By Jennifer Antonik, Momma Trauma I wrote this for Postpartum Support International's Blog Hop for Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month. I hope it will help someone who needs to hear just these words! PSI is a fabulous organization "dedicated to helping women suffering from perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, including postpartum depression, the most common complication of childbirth." Find other Blog Hop posts here. She sat on the floor of her parents’ living room, one babe nursing at her breasts and a toddler cruising around the room like he owned the place. They were happy-go-lucky kids. Her friends, her family, her church, they all thought all was well short of normal new-parent woes. Like other moms, she loved to brag about her beautiful kids. They were just SO big and talented children of course! She was a totally different mom on the inside though. Of course she only wanted what was best for her children. But deep down, she just wanted to crawl into a hole. Friends would ask how the birth went; she would brush it off as a great birth and laughed about the “silly” medical staff who didn’t respect her during labor. Her friends seemed uncomfortable hearing her story, though. As she sat on that floor being Mom day in and day out, she became increasingly sadder. It started out as a few tears shed when no one was looking and the children were napping. Those sporadic tears grew to longer periods filled with sobs and irritation. She no longer wanted to talk about her birth, nor did she really feel like going anywhere. Nursing her new baby became more of an irritation than a joy and the cries of that newborn were like nails on a chalkboard. Deep down, she wanted to enjoy every lasting moment with her children and husband, but the reality was totally different. With her husband also dealing with depression, they began to argue more. Parenting was a struggle, as was marriage. Sex with her husband was also a problem. She would just burst into tears in the middle, randomly being reminded of the birth of her youngest, not knowing what was wrong or that it was a PTSD trigger. All of this just continued to build up and get worse, not having told anyone how she truly felt. By several months in, she was yearning for when everyone would leave the house for work so she could explode again and sob. She *finally* realized something was truly wrong when she sobbed and wailed nearly all day. How can someone just sob and wail all day? Seriously, how much crying can one woman do?!? That sounds fictional, but it’s true. “Triggers” reminded her every day of the birth she desperately wanted to forget. She realized that whatever was going on was affecting her children because she couldn’t even stop the tears and irritations long enough to play with her kids and help them grow. While they were napping, she took the first step and talked to a friend online. In pure word vomit fashion, she let go of everything she had been keeping to herself. She felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, but she knew it wasn’t over. To really deal with this, she needed help. So she found a few good friends who could support her unconditionally, an online support group and a therapist who understood not only postpartum depression, but also PTSD and birth trauma. It was only then did she finally begin to feel like “Mom” again. It’s been a long road. But *I* needed that first step of speaking out; I wish I had done it sooner! Yes. “She” is really Me. I honestly don’t think you would be reading this today if I had not told just one friend what was going on in my mind and life. I really can’t emphasize enough how Speaking Up When I Was Down saved my life. I don’t talk about that very often. The first time I wrote about how bad it actually was for me, my husband said, “I didn’t know it was that bad, I didn’t know you felt that way, Why didn’t you tell me?” I wish I had, I really do. In reality, I didn’t want to accept that the birth of our youngest was traumatic. I didn’t want to go on medications or see a “shrink.” Not me, No. But Yes, Me. For me, getting back into the swing of things with friends, family and church really helped. Talk therapy with my counselor also helped a lot. I was able to begin recovering without medication, although sometimes I wonder if it would have been a better, easier route. Two years later, I am still struggling with PTSD but my depression is a just a memory most days. I now advocate for healthier births and postpartum stages. I know first-hand just how important it is for mom to be psychologically healthy and for her to have a great support system. As a childbirth educator, I emphasize the importance of that support system being able to “know” the mom as I wish mine was able to do with me. Not being able to identify *my* problems wasn’t the fault of my support system, but when your close-to-you support system knows what to look for, they might be able to identify key signs of perinatal mood disorders when the mom may not be able to identify them as a problem herself. One of the most important things I think I can advocate for is to Speak Up When You’re Down. Sometimes, only *you* will know when you’re down and out. Before it gets to a point when you can’t handle it anymore, tell someone. Even if you have to do it “Word Vomit Style” like I did. From Postpartum Support International: • If you need immediate help, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) • If you are looking for pregnancy or postpartum support and local resources, please call or email us: Call PSI Warmline (English & Spanish) 1-800-944-4PPD (4773) Email [email protected] When you did realize you needed more than just tissues? Was your support system able to identify your troubles early-on? Related Posts: Acceptance: It actually happened, and it wasn't cool Decluttering birth trauma to understand your own story There is no "little" step to healing; What will you do with your birth trauma? More than Baby Blues Series: Knowing when the Zombie parent needs help
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PTSD and other Perinatal Mood Disorders are difficult enough when just one half of the parenting equation is suffering. Add in the other half and we’ve got ourselves one heck of a mess to contend with while trying to raise a child. When both partners are dealing with PTSD or another Perinatal Mood Disorder, especially from an event as sacred as childbirth, there may be some problems to overcome between the two of you. This list is not exhaustive and, as always, a couple may not have to deal with any or all of these. It’s just nice to understand that these things are normal and can be lovingly handled. Couples who have mutually experienced birth trauma often also experience:
Communication is the most important part of relationships to begin with, especially while coping when both partners have PTSD or another Perinatal Mood Disorder. It’s imperative to keep the lines of communication open. Here are some tips on communication for both partners:
Related Posts: Perinatal Mood Disorders have no gender biases It's okay if you don't understand! But listen anyway. More than Baby Blues: Postpartum Mental Illness Symptom Guide Since when did PPD and PTSD after childbirth become gender-specific? Why do we, as women, have to own this burden as our own? As I said yesterday, this is not about being male-centered. My goal here is not to take the focus of birth trauma away from the birthing mom, rather to shed light on the truth of the matter: Partners can and do come out of childbirth with perinatal mood disorders sometimes, even if the birthing mom herself is psychologically healthy.
Women, what’s the deal? I hear some of you through the screen scoffing and saying “Tough shit, he didn’t birth this baby, HE didn’t get put through the trauma I went through...” And you’re right! He didn’t physically birth your baby. But that doesn’t mean he was any less emotionally invested in the experience. We so often fight for our right to be heard out. We say it’s not okay to say “Just get over it.” We argue that our feelings regarding our births are valid and real to their very core. Why then does this change when we suggest that a man could have PTSD from childbirth? Which, by nature, is an intimate and extraordinary time in both partners’ lives? He or she is supporting and watching the love of their life birth the love of both of their lives. If that precious moment should falter, if suddenly the now two or more loves in that partners life are in mortal danger, should the partner be okay with that scenario? Should they feel nothing while they watch trusted medical staffs violate the body of the one they love? I find it interesting that some of the very women who laugh at the possibility of a man having birth-related PTSD say in the same breath that Sure! Birth workers can have PTSD from witnessing a traumatic birth. Back up the train a bit, what?!? That doesn’t make any sense. A woman who, albeit hopefully somewhat close to the couple now, has probably only met with this couple a handful of times can come out of the experience dealing with PTSD, but the dad, who has dedicated his life to being emotionally involved with the mom and baby just can’t? Are we so insecure in our own female consciousness that we need to OWN birth trauma? Honest to goodness what I hear is: “It’s mine… ALL MINE, mwahahaha… he can’t feel anything; he’s not allowed to feel upset. This is MY trauma and he can’t have it.” Rather mind-blowing if you ask me. Seriously, of all the things we, as women could own, why birth trauma? What awesome thing will we gain from falsely arguing that men cannot feel anything besides newborn squishy love after childbirth? Nothing good, I’ll tell you that much. Guys, listen up. Now men, don’t get me wrong. Birth is a beautiful thing. (At least in my opinion) You should go with your wife or partner while she births your child to support her and witness the miracle of birth. But the fact is that some births are not so great and yes, some dads come out of it scarred. You don’t have to be scarred for life, there are ways you can heal from these events. But you have to get out there and talk about feelings in a productive way. Dad, you are an important member of your family unit. You can best support your partner and children when you’re psychologically healthy. Your child needs you to bond with him or her. Your partner needs a great support system in you, you might be all she’s got! Some women were arguing the idea that women need to be healthy FIRST, that her well-being is more important than the father’s because she’s breastfeeding and sustaining life. Yes, the second half is true. But that doesn’t make you, dad, any less important. In fact, while mom is sustaining life through breastmilk, you can help sustain life through skin-to-skin time with your child and by supporting mom’s decision to breastfeed. You are needed! You see, as a part of a healthy family unit dads *need* to be psychologically healthy just like us moms. The symptoms of perinatal mood disorders do not end with women. Dads can be bitter, angry, depressed, anxious, they can have flashbacks to the birth, even panic attacks. Nowhere in any description for perinatal disorders does it suggest that they only affect birthing moms. Dad, You and your family deserve a healthy partner. It’s okay to feel off after a birth. Find someone you can talk with and work through your feelings. Please understand that if the experience was traumatic for the mom in your life, she is not the right person to vent to about how awful it was for you. Let her know how you’re feeling and that you’d like to talk to someone. But she may not be the right person to completely vent to as she may be dealing with a more personal version of the trauma. Dad, You are important! Dad, You are needed! Remember: “It’s the crazy ones who don’t get help,” as said by my own mother. Coming tomorrow: Coping when both parents deal with PTSD As a childbirth educator, I’ll tell you honestly: Not every birth is perfect. It very well may be totally different than what you imagine when you think “childbirth.”
When I teach a childbirth class, I always ask my clients before we begin: “What is your idea or opinion of childbirth? What do you think normal childbirth looks like?” They usually think this is a bit silly and “Isn’t this what you will be teaching us?” Well, yes. But… I have a method to my madness. I almost always get a picture perfect view of something straight out of a birth story you’d find on TLC. I also ask these same questions after the full course is over and I get a totally different view. The answer this time varies by couple and depends on what they have decided their perfect birth might include. But the main idea is the same across the board: Their scary interpretation of birth has dissipated. They now feel prepared for this new adventure and confident in the mom’s body to perform its natural role. I like to think it’s because they took an awesome, educated childbirth class. But really, it’s because they were given evidenced-based information and thus empowered themselves to make informed decisions. Ally Fogg believes, as many do, that the media “has real and harmful consequences” for fathers-to-be especially. I agree with this and lump moms into the devastation that is found in our current media. In specific, Foggg is referring to a recent article in the Daily Mail written by Andy Dolan (triggering, tred carefully), The fathers so shocked by being at traumatic births that they get post traumatic stress. In a piece he wrote for the Guardian, Fathers-to-be, trust me, watching your children being born is not traumatic, he says, “Coverage like this trivialises mental illness, implying that someone with a severe and debilitating condition is some kind of ridiculous whinger or malingerer.” (Side note: *What* is with the ridiculously long headlines?) Woah, slow down Daddy Wars! Let’s get real here. The evidence given in the sensationalized article by Dolan is real. Men can and do get PTSD from childbirth. Fogg speaks the truth as well. The media, including Dolan’s article, often sensationalizes the truth or pulls out the most shocking stories to not only prove their point of course, but to also get more readers for that article and ultimately their blog/paper/Website as a whole. It’s journalism 101: If it bleeds, it leads. And the more blood you can show, the more it will be read. But here’s where writers such as Ally Fogg have it wrong: “Trust me, you will not end up with PTSD.” How can he make such promises? Is he insinuating that the men cited in the article in question actually do not have PTSD? Are they sensationalizing their very own stories? He said, “The most pernicious effect, however, may be in perpetuating the archaic myth that it is some kind of horrible experience for men to be with their partners at the birth of their children.” I don’t see it as such. The problem here is that the diagnosis’ of postpartum depression, post traumatic stress disorder and other perinatal mood disorders is not gender or role specific. I really believe, although he has seemingly quoted the most horrific of situations, that the intent of Dolan’s article was to get readers to understand that men or partners can indeed come out of childbirth with PTSD according to a recent study, even if his persuasion was by shock-factor. By suggesting the feelings of a man regarding childbirth do not matter, one forces more men under the rug where they will continue to hide their feelings instead of getting the support they need. This is not about being male-centered. If you’re a regular to the blog, you would know that couldn’t be further from the truth. It's also not about suppressing the feelings of a woman to support her male counterpart. It’s about breaking the barriers. Our dads and partners need to know that they are important to the family unit and thus their emotions are equally as important. They also need to know they are not the only dads out there dealing with perinatal mood disorders and that it's OKAY to seek out support. Above and beyond the surface problem, our communities and health care providers need to understand that their actions can drastically affect our (men and women) psychological well-beings. Because of this, major changes are needed in our maternity care system. We’re getting there. Slowly, very slowly. Too slowly. In the meantime, our parents need support: Moms, Dads, Partners alike. To be continued in the next blog post… CBS New York recently published an article titled, "Study: Women’s Deaths During, After Childbirth Skyrocketing In New York City." Pretty scary title, huh? I kind of feel like "alarming" doesn't even cut it when describing our birth crisis. I mean, a 30% increase in pregnancy-related deaths in one city alone?? The article goes on to blame this sudden increase on a lot of factors: access to quality healthcare, access to quality food, living in the city versus other states, complications during C-sections, women of color, women of low economic status, more women giving birth later in life, an increase in obesity, and women less likely to seek out prenatal care. What I fail to see in this article and study is the deeper story. Most of these given risk factors come with the assumption by care providers that more interventions are needed with each. There are so many ways a community of care providers and supporters can be proactive to change the face of childbirth.
See the pattern here? You see, NYC, you are blaming women for their own deaths or that of their child(ren) instead of looking at the full picture. You are not looking at the medical system at all in your blame. Often times, women are induced early for some of the very reasons you place blame on them like obesity, "older" age, skin tone, lack of quality prenatal care and their economic status. Research has proved this time and time again. NYC, it is time you step up to the plate and really look objectively at how women are being treated and cared for during their prenatal appointments and childbirth. You need to be more than proactive. Lives are at stake. And sadly, this post doesn't just reach out to NYC. It's out there for all of the United States and the world. These problems are worldwide. And until change makers and care providers realize what's going on here, nothing will change unless we can really "rally the troops" and get the birth revolution going! What are your thoughts? Do you know of someone in your community rallying for change in childbirth? Do you know of something that needs to change? I am miscarrying. Again. This is a hard post to write today. But I made a promise to myself and to you when I began this journey to work on getting the unspoken truths out there in the open... So here goes another one of mine... This will be my third miscarriage, two were from before our living children. I often wonder what my life would be like if those babies were still living now, it would certainly be a lot different and our two kids now probably never would have come to be. All I can think is that God had a greater purpose for my life and I am where I should be right at this moment. Then I wonder why I would lose a baby now. I've had two healthy pregnancies and labors. I know I'm not broken. Or am I? Three miscarriages is a lot for one woman. This one is early, only 3.5-4 weeks. I was wondering why I was so extra tired lately. My first was at 8 weeks, my second which was an ectopic pregnancy which miscarried naturally was at 10 weeks. I'm wondering what I could have done wrong to make this happen, even though I know that's a somewhat irrational thought as sometimes it just happens. But I have been under a lot of stress lately, we really can't afford ourselves let alone another child (but hey, breastfeeding is free, right?!). What really hurts the most is for two years now, Zombie Prep Dad has been very strict on not wanting a third child. Things haven't been the best between us, but we're working on it. Things have definitely gotten a lot better. Marriage is definitely hard work that's for sure. Toss in two toddlers for good measure and you've got two Cookoo adults. Only in the past several weeks has he come around and even welcomed the idea. But we're really not ready. So now I sit on the couch, writing because Zombie Prep Dad has to go to work early to make the moula that flies right out the window. I wonder why my body might have rejected such a gift. We don't have a lot, but we have enough love to go around! You would have had two loud-mouthed, rambunctious playmates who probably would try to steal all your toys and pull your hair. But they would love you, too, I promise. I wonder if this will be what I have to deal with when we actually decide to try to conceive again, repeat miscarriages. It is physically exhausting. And painful. Luckily, not as painful or nauseating as my ectopic was, I don't have time for that while on Mommy Duty. My ectopic pregnancy/miscarriage felt like natural, full term labor pains. And above all, I wonder why... of all times... why does our toilet have to stop working NOW? Well, last night actually. I know that sounds silly, what does a toilet have to do with it? Well, we only have one. And it's not draining. (Zombie Prep Dad tells me it's draining very slowly?) Which means clots and such are just lingering unless I decide to go fishing. I would just love to crawl into a hole. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just wanted to share what's going on in my life right now. Zombie Prep Dad worked late yesterday, and early today, so I haven't really been able to talk to him. So you're it for the day! Thanks for listening and keeping a little space for me today. In my journey as “Momma Trauma,” I have come to know many influential women in our birthing community at large. Roanna Rosewood is one of those women. She is, first and foremost, a mom as are most of us who find our ways to activism. On her to-do list includes running a thriving restaurant called Pangea with her husband, co-founder & co-hosting Birth Plan Radio and speaking engagements. Rosewood’s book, Cut Stapled and Mended: When One Woman Reclaimed Her Body and Gave Birth on Her Own Terms After Cesarean, will be available any day and I was lucky enough to find a copy in my e-mail to read in advance! Rosewood captures your heart in the first paragraph and she doesn’t let go until her story is finished. She turns a saddening subject matter into an inspiring and fun novel anyone can enjoy. Mixing a love of food with a dash of Hippy and a quarter cup of common sense and research, this book is a fun and riveting read for everyone. Even my husband. Cut, Stapled and Mended begins with a wild ride through the eyes of a mother with two toddler boys. I have two toddlers of my own so from the “avalanche of oranges” to the cosleeping love and challenges of “one big puddle of family,” I can totally relate and imagine the craziness that fills her life day in and day out with each word. Her writing style is much like my own. I clung to every word, every sentence with laughter, tears or bated breath. Her powerful memoir is one of self-empowerment and growth with life struggles thrown into the mix at some of the most appropriately inappropriate times. Rosewood details how her rebellious teenage years morphed into fun and flirty courtship with her now husband, Ben. That courtship blossomed into a fairytale life freckled with children and a budding business. Like many women, she went into pregnancy happy and excited; she knew her body was capable of childbirth. But there were complications. I have never had a cesarean delivery, but her story is vivid and captivating. She never once gets into the gory details of surgery, but she does give us an unbridled view into the emotional turmoil she underwent with labor and trying to figure out what went wrong afterwards. Tears. Flashbacks. A baby “stolen” from his mother. Anger. Confusion. “What if’s” and “If Only’s.” Numbness. These, regardless of how a woman birthed, are felt and thought by every woman who deals with birth trauma. I felt empathetic to her pain throughout the book being a birth trauma mom myself. For readers who may not understand birth trauma, surely you will understand it better after reading this personal account. Rosewood also tries to educate the reader on her findings regarding c-sections, Cytotec (a stomach ulcer drug often misused for inductions), and other topics relating to her experiences. Cut, Stapled and Mended reads fluid from front to back. Even the non-readers in us will not want to put this book down. By the end, we bear witness to the miracle of birth through Rosewood’s words. Not just of newborn babes, but that of a family and ultimately a woman who finds her true self. Visit Rosewood's Website, www.CutStapledAndMended.com, on April 30 for an *exciting* something! I can't tell you just what it is, but I can tell you everyone from healing momma's to doulas to midwives and medical professionals will *love* it! Note: This is not a sponsored post. The opinions here are my own as always. Thank you Roanna, for allowing me the chance to read your story and share in your struggles and triumphs. You are a rock, a warrior and an inspiration. Would you like your own copy? Click here to purchase Roanna Rosewood's Cut, Stapled & Mended: When One Woman Reclaimed Her Body And Gave Birth On Her Own Terms After Cesarean. "I will never know what it's like to triumph in birthing a baby, but I feel April is Cesarean Awareness Month and for such, I have seen many c-section story links across my newsfeed lately. Luckily, they haven't been trauma-inducing stories as many assume with c-sections rather they have all been awe-inspiring and respectful stories. This may not be a popular opinion, but I wanted to get it out there: Just because a mom has a cesarean delivery doesn't mean she hasn't birthed her own baby. A local-to-me friend opened my eyes to this thought. Her own children were born via c-section in not-so-nice conditions. She's a brave momma and is getting along well in her healing journey. As a part of that journey, she made the announcement that despite everything she went through, she actually did birth her own babies. I had a moment and thought, "WHAT??? Why would that even be a question?" But after thinking about it, I can understand! And really, it's all about how the mom perceived her child's birth, it doesn't matter what I think anyways. ;-) But you know I have to put my two-cents out there. A c-section mom is no less of a mom than me. Like my friend said, she gestated for 9 months like me. She had heartburn, morning sickness, worry over her unborn child, nesting as it got closer, and of course a lot of other similarities. The difference? She birthed her child during surgery and I birthed mine vaginally. But you know what? We both BIRTHED our babies. I never really thought about how a cesarean momma's trauma might differ from my own, although it is very similar in many ways. In fact, I have teamed up with several larger cesarean organizations focused on helping momma heal after birth so that I can learn from them. In many cases, I think cesarean momma's are braver than I am. They really are warriors and sometimes have even had to deal with life or death decisions just as their little one was born. The quote at the top is from a beautiful article in the Huffington Post: "Being a C-Section Mama In the Birth Goddess Club." I encourage you to read it, it's beautiful. And the recounted story about the husband after the birth is tear-worthy. Go. Read it. Cry happy tears with me. What are your thoughts? I was about to go to bed, but couldn't sleep. My mind is swimming with things to do for our new Sacred Circles, the house, the kids, life in general. In the midst of all that, these thoughts came flooding into my mind. I started to write it down as a status for our facebook page, but it got too long. So I just started typing here. Have you ever written out your feelings without a filter? Just put pen to paper and went with it!? (I'll be honest, I filtered out one word, but only one!) It's okay if you don't understand my trauma or PTSD. I'm not asking you to understand. Just listen. Hug me when I need it and please, pretty please, bring me a case of tissues and some brownies. Whatever you do, don't drag me down and tell me I'm not valid. You see, I may have just had someone tell me I am nothing because I'm just a mom. I have already been invalidated and now I need help getting back up onto my own two feet. I'm asking you, as a friend, to please just shut up and listen. It would be really great if you could help me find my way and figure out where my next step might come from, but above all else, I need someone to just listen and tell me that my feelings are real. And valid. Tell me that I'm a beautiful mom who does right by her kids. Don't shut me out. Don't tell me the doctor only had our best interests in mind. Don't tell me that I have no right to complain because baby & I are healthy. And for heaven's sakes, don't tell me all about the procedures the staff must have been following. Don't you know that I am important, too? Can't you see that I'm hurt and struggling? That my trauma has really messed with my life? Who cares? Do I even matter anymore? Just listen. Please? I need someone to sob to and I feel safe with you. And please don't forget those brownies. We'll need them. Introducing Momma Trauma's Sacred Circles: A global peer-to-peer network for birth trauma support4/9/2013 It's here! It's here! Check out this video with our BIG ANNOUNCEMENT! Wander over to some fellow bloggers who are helping us announce this amazing project, and of course be sure to scroll over to the tab set up for our Sacred Circles! Join us! Here's some great posts from our blogger friends to welcome the Network! (Show them some love!)
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AuthorWelcome to Momma Trauma's Blog! Thoughts, empowering posts and stories straight from Momma Trauma herself, Birth Trauma families & birth professionals. Archives
July 2015
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