By Eli Leblanc, member of Césarimouski
Last time I wrote for Momma Trauma, I was explaining why I was taking a pause on my healing journey in The cliff, the wall and the corn on the cob. To cut a long story short, it had been a rough few months with a lot of introspection and I was exhausted. I really needed some distance from my trauma. Well, the corn on the cob was delicious, as always, and it was quite satisfying to play Bob Dylan’s songs by the camp fire. I managed to recharge my batteries. Spring came with the sun being really beneficial to my mood. Though nervous, I decided it was time for me to look for this darn door again. I admit, I really had to give myself a good kick in the butt. Things were not great but ok, and I did not feel the urge to do something about it. But I had the feeling that my new seren-ish-ity was only temporary. I shall say it straight away; a door did not magically appear. But at least, I noticed a breech from which I could see some light. It came in the form of EMDR therapy. A few awesome mommas from the Momma Trauma’s sacred circle private group had used it with success to treat PTSD. I was very hesitant at first. I was worried it would reprogram me into not caring about what happened. The general anesthesia without consent being the main cause of my PTSD, the thought of blurring the small amount of memories I had left was also panicking. With much encouragement from my virtual fellows, I decided to meet with the therapist anyway and see if she had any answers to my worries. On the first meeting, I told her the big lines of my birth stories and I made it clear that I was not seeking acceptance or forgiveness. I keep repeating it but here I go again. I consider that what happened is unacceptable and unforgiveable. Trying to accept and forgive would be like a treachery against myself. I’m clearly not ready for it, I don’t know if I will ever be. I don’t even know if I should want to. Voilà. So I told her what I really wanted at this point was to be more equipped to manage the symptoms. Much to my relief, and surprise, she said ok. If she had told me acceptance and forgiveness were the only way, I swear I would have walked out the door. There is some work I’m not ready to do. That does not mean I can’t do any, right? We discussed my worries about blurring out my memories. She said it could also unfold some. She then proceeded to explain how we would work. The idea would be to reprocess some “false beliefs” I might have regarding the birth of my daughters. To do that, I would visualize images representing the trauma while muttering a “false belief”. During that time she would alternatively tap on both my knees. The stimulation of my right and left brain hemispheres whiles reliving the trauma would reconcile them, allowing my brain to deal with properly processed thoughts instead of traumatic ones. Hearing my story and the fact that I blamed myself for choosing to go to the birth center rather than staying at home for the birth of my eldest, she suggested “I should have done things differently” as a “false belief”. I argued. No matter how you look at it, I SHOULD have done things differently. My left and right brain both agree on that one, no need for reconciliation there. And I accept that ultimate responsibility. Actually, the only little piece of empowerment I managed to find in my birth stories is the fact that I take responsibility for making bad decisions that led me to be transferred to the hospital. So there was no way I was going to try to reprogram that part. She suggested “I cannot accept it” instead. I decided to show an open mind and give it a try. Now I have to say this; I am an irritable person. Enhanced irritability is one of the symptoms of my PTSD. And the term “false belief” BLOODY IRRITATES ME! Just hearing it makes me cringe. I admit that a lot of my thoughts are negative, destructive even, but that does not make them false! So when the next session came, I told her straight to the point that I would not work with “false beliefs.” She agreed to call them “negative cognitions” and I relaxed on my chair, satisfied. On the third appointment, there was no improvement whatsoever and I told her that I was still resisting the “I cannot accept it” because not surprisingly, it irritated me. As I said before, acceptance is really out of my scope, at least for now. So we agreed on “I cannot stand it”. The difference might seem subtle, but to me, it finally represented what I had come for. After that session, I started noticing some changes. I was not necessarily able to block triggers, but when they happened, I felt, for the first time in over 4 years, the urge to fight them. I even started being successful at it after another treatment. If I don’t go into too much detail, I am sometime able to discuss the birth of my children without having tears flooding my eyes. I’m able to browse through a birth textbook keeping my emotions at a distance, which was unconceivable just a few months ago. I did not let my anger or my pain go. I am still resentful. I still feel guilty and I can objectively say that I am at least partially responsible for what happened. But those feelings are now mostly kept behind a closed door (magical or not) and it does not open everytime the wind blows anymore. So far, we mainly concentrated on the surgery and the general anesthesia. I am still sensitive on some subjects, the breastfeeding issues that derived from my trauma and being disrespected by the medical body. We will now focus on that. So, I guess the bottom line is this; I was disregarded during the birth of my children, but there is no way I’m going to let this happen again during my healing process. I am an active part of it. I am the MAIN part of it. I am not going to try to do something I’m not ready to. I am going to fuss and change the phrasing to the last coma until it suits me, because, yes, phrasing can be important. Because I’m worth it. And guess what? It looks like it’s working. A lot of us birthed under the medical team’s terms. How about we heal under our own?
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Jennifer, Best Wishes to You! |
AuthorWelcome to Momma Trauma's Blog! Thoughts, empowering posts and stories straight from Momma Trauma herself, Birth Trauma families & birth professionals. Archives
July 2015
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