NOTE: This post may be triggering. Read with caution. Today, I'm irritated. Beyond the usual mommy of two toddlers both in their terrible twos irritated. I'm irritated by fellow human rights activists. And we get the same rhetoric from those who are not activists, but it really peaks my nerve when we heard things such as these ESPECIALLY from activists: At least everyone is healthy! We are all fighting the same battle here: PRO Human rights. Doesn't matter whether you're an activist for gay rights, women in Uganda, abortion (or anti-abortion!), sexual assault victims, we're all in this to support the very broad concept of human rights. I don't understand how a sexual assault activist can tell me my experience shouldn't be classified as rape. What about my experience DOESN'T sound like rape to you? The part regarding forced submission by someone else? How about having non-consensual fingers where they didn't belong? Or maybe it was the power and need for control that was confusing? Generally when I explain it like that, an anti-sexual assault activist will understand and "take my side." Until... (Enter the word "Doctor" here) Then all of a sudden, it's not rape. You are telling me that my experience doesn't qualify as a rape simply because a medical professional performed a "life-saving" procedure during childbirth. Let me explain something to you. (Yes, I'm pissed) You are devaluing my experience, along with experiences of a myriad of women across the globe simply because our "rape" didn't fit the cookie cutter standards you may have associated with the term. The FBI recently updated their Uniform Crime Report's definition of rape. It reads, *ahem*: “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” Dear Anti-sexual assault victim advocates & activists: RAPE IS RAPE. I have called the RAINN (Rape, abuse & incest national network) hotline several times in the course of my healing and Thank God for them. They are absolutely amazing and all of the counselors I spoke with there on the hotline were wonderful and understanding. They really helped me get a grasp on my emotions and possible courses of actions I could take. And even some non-hotline activists are totally understanding. But there's (always) a few bad eggs in the bunch who really make me feel like crud, and have even told me I'm doing rape victims everywhere a disservice by identifying my birth trauma experience as "birth rape." YOU, few bad eggs in the bunch, YOU are doing rape victims a disservice by telling me that my rape wasn't real enough to be rape.
We need to call rape what it is no matter where it occurred or who the perpetrator was in that situation. Remember when Spousal rape wasn't even a concept? Yea, me neither. But I have read stories and news articles all about it and the battle which ensued to make it so folks understood that yes, partners can be the perpetrators. We've come too far to tell a woman she wasn't really raped. Nah, I don't think you were really raped. How dare you. It's thinking in that manner that allows states such as my own, Delaware, to have rape legislation which excludes doctors and police officers from said legislation if performing "diagnosis or treatment" or "lawful performance of his or her duties." I wonder what it would take to get Delaware's legal system to finally stop excluding doctors and police officers from the rape laws. If you're the legal type, you can check out Delaware's sexual assault laws here. Do you know your state, country, province, etc.'s laws regarding sexual assault?
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I talked with a lovely gal this morning, Jenne from CIMS & Solace for Mothers, so let me tell you about it! Check out the video, let me know your thoughts! I was going to try to take out a quote from this quick video for you, but I really love everything everyone had to say. Some folks to note in this are Ina May Gaskin (world reknown Certified Professional Midwife and as some call her, "the mother of authentic midwifery"), Ricki Lake (activist, actress and co-producer to the Business of Being Born series) and Dr. Eugene Declerq, Professor of Maternal and Child Health, Boston University School of Public Health. I have to say that I absolutely love Dr. Declercq. I first saw him in Orgasmic Birth (minds out of the gutter y'all... birth is sexual, get over it!) and everything he had to say was spot on! Back to the video at hand: This is really a great clip to watch and share. Today is International Day to End Violence Against Women. So, (at the insistence of my AMAZING & out of this world social media mentor, coach and guru, Lisa L. Flowers, during our last visit), I launched our YouTube Channel in honor of Int'l Day to End Violence Against Women! I hope you'll check it out and subscribe! Here's my intro to the YouTube world! (What a face for Radio!) I feel like a better question here is not "Why don't others understand?" But instead: "Why do they feel the need to immediately dismiss our stories or make excuses as to what it happened?" But that's quite long for a title. So why do we have such troubles getting our points across? There's certainly a negative stigma attached to "Birth Trauma" or "Birth Rape." The terms are harsh and we get criticisms from all ends, I've heard it from everyone I've spoken to whether it's regarding my own story or that of someone else. So often we hear the opposing side tell us the two terms are used for women who's birth didn't go their way and now they're upset about it all after the fact. Well you're darn straight we're upset! Let me give you some examples to help you understand: Did you ever go on a first date and the guy (or gal!) wanted to have sex that night, or even just wanted to kiss you and you didn't want it? Did that same person keep trying to make advances to get you to do what they wanted? It was time to go at that point, wasn't it? Those of us who have experienced birth trauma first hand can assure you that it generally is just as it sounds: Disgusting, shameful, confusing, bullying, intimidating, along with a myriad of other descriptive factors. When a medical professional has your legs in stirrups, it's rather hard to just get away as so many have told me I should have done if I didn't like what was happening to me. Well, let me tell you friends, it's not that easy when you're pushing out a baby!
So why can't others wrap their minds around the mere plausibility of the situation? (In no particular researched order, just the order I've encountered the most myself and from others) 1. Relationship status: There is a very distinct relationship between doctor/midwife & patient. They ARE the medical professionals in the thick of things, so naturally, folks think their word is golden. Doctors know a whole heck of a lot. More often than not, it's the lack of information given to us by our doctor that is a major problem. Like the "concoctions" with pitocin or unnamed pain meds, or when a doctor comes in and says "So when would you like your epidural?" instead of asking you if you'd like one and telling you about BOTH the pros AND cons before making YOUR decision. Did you know doctors are exempt in many state laws regarding assault and rape? Have you checked your local laws lately? Here in Delaware, that standard is true. 2. You went looking for treatment, what's the big deal? The big deal is that sometimes it's totally against our wishes, consent or we just plain don't need it, not to mention the lack of respect sometimes found in today's birthing rooms. Many naturally-minded parents want to birth in a hospital to merely have the support of medical professionals should something go wrong. We don't need a managed birth of any kind, we just need to know doctors are right there by our bedside if we truly need them. Most people we talk to believe that we are basically asking for whatever "treatment" we receive since we went looking for that kind of help. On the same token, a lot of medical professionals sadly believe that because they're the doctor/midwife, they should be able to do anything they deem medically necessary or procedural for the situation at hand, regardless of whether or not momma agrees. Which brings up another can of worms: 3. That's just how things are done: This really is another can of worms that I *need* to get off my chest. I'll blog about it later. But in short (super short), many folks believe what we go through in a common hospital birth is necessary or "That's just how things are done," so get over it. They HAD to do that because it's procedure. Or even, how do you know the baby would have been okay if the doctor didn't do (insert random medical intervention here). Let's be honest: Natural, and yes, even unassisted births are often uneventful (as uneventful as labor can be!) and don't require medical interventions. That's a scary thought to some, and understandably so in today's medically-minded society. But really, we don't *need* to lay down the entire labor. Fetal monitors? Nope, they don't need to be on the whole time either. BUT, that's just how things are done. When will we get to a point when we don't have to worry about these things? Should everyone try birthing at home and only go to the hospitals in a true emergency? How do we fix this mess in which we continually find ourselves? How is all this "okay?" "I know acceptance can be a very long process, but for now, I don't even WANT to accept what happened. It would feel like letting myself down, like a lack of respect against myself. Anyone feels the same way?" ~ A Momma fan on our page.
What is "acceptance" when it comes to birth trauma? Is it accepting what has happened to you, your partner or the baby? Is it accepting the actions of the medical or birth professional(s)? Is it accepting what could have been but wasn't? Is it accepting your own actions that may have made matters better or worse? Acceptance can obviously mean a lot of things to different people. Personally, acceptance meant a realization that our birth trauma really did occur and it wasn't just a funny joke. It actually happened, and it wasn't cool. I didn't accept my birth trauma situation right away, that my doctor, a professional, could be so disrespectful. How could I let him do what he did to me? My way of dealing with it at first was to laugh it off. "That silly doctor, what was he thinking?" It was my way of comforting myself I think, so I wouldn't think about the birth in a negative light. I did not want to believe that what I call my birth rape happened to me. No, that's not what it was. That couldn't have been what it was. But yes, that's really what it was. I didn't want to think of it as a poor birth since I had tried so hard to make sure I had the birth we (my daughter and I) needed. I researched about natural childbirth, had my doula, was studying to become a doula even, I had my birth bag packed to the brim, birth plan finished and copied, you name it, I was prepared! I wasn't prepared, though, for the doctor to be disrespectful and not listen to me when I firmly said NO. (Check the link to the story to read my birth story if you haven't seen it yet, don't jump to conclusions) It took me a good few months to accept the fact that "it actually happened, and it wasn't cool." That's literally the process that went through my mind one day, it just clicked. This is when I realized why I had crying spells, triggers, sexual problems, not wanting to be touched, I had no idea until I finally accepted what happened during the birth of Chickie Pea. Some people say, how in the world did it take that long? You couldn't possibly have been traumatized from your birth if it took you that long to realize it. I have no response to that, no concrete evidence to pull from a medical study. All I can say is that's how it happened with me, ask my therapist! Accepting my birth trauma & subsequent PTSD made things worse to begin with, but it evened out. It gave me strength to start the complaint process and eventually create this blog & community. Eventually, I got to a point where I was able to accept what had happened to me and move on to own what happened to me. At least the parts I could control, such as doing something to help make it not happen again. I'm only one woman, so I may not be able to make a far reach. But if I can help just one woman? I'll feel like I've done my part. I feel like saying, "You know what? It happened to me! And I'm going to take charge and do something about this awful thing!" There are other things I have accepted. I have accepted that it happened to me. I have accepted that physically, Chickie Pea and I were totally healthy & fine after childbirth. I have accepted that I struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a direct result of what occurred during labor. I have accepted that it greatly hurt my husband, too, and I have to be aware of his feelings about the whole scenario. I have accepted that I cannot take on doula clients at that hospital until I conquer my ptsd issues and can again be around the doctor who violated me two years ago. I have not accepted that this is what normal birth should look like. I have NOT accepted that what I went through or what other women have gone through related to their birth trauma is part of normal, healthy birth. Some things just are NOT okay! Birth trauma is becoming far more prevalent these days and that is NOT okay! What does acceptance look like for your situation? Post your comments below or on our Facebook page! I am a little discouraged today. I'm quite discouraged with other (non-blog) related things today such as my rather unkept house, my businesses and needing to spend more happy time with my children. But I'm also a little discouraged on the blog-front and not sure which direction to turn. I wonder: * How can I grow this community of ours? * How can I get more folks to speak up and out about their experiences? * Should I take the quiet approach now that we have a few connecting factors up & running (Facebook, Twitter, our Website & Blog) and wait for the community to evolve enough where we're ready to get on with taking action? * Am I even strong enough for this and the attention we are about to receive? I am so ready to take this to the next level, but I'm waiting for something. We're missing something. I can lobby til I'm blue in the face, but it won't mean anything without support and numbers. There's a few active members to our community already in just the short week we've been around! What are your thoughts? How would you like to see this community grow? I know a few folks said they'd like to see stories. But I can't add any stories without stories to add. ;-) But then I remember that being discouraged is a lot like (ready for it? Here comes the Disney reference!) Dory in Finding Nemo. All I need to remember is P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney! I think I need to set up a survey. Be ready for it, cause it's coming! P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney! P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney! P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney! I can do this! I am strong enough for this! *phew!* I feel better! hmmm... I just pep talked myself, maybe I *am* psycho! Tonight, I find myself behind my vendor table at a quarter auction to benefit a local middle school cheer-leading squad. There girls are obviously (hopefully) not in their childbearing years yet, but it makes me ponder:
* What will our birthing climate look like by then? 10 or 20 years from now? * What do they experience in the doctor's office now when they go in for their yearly's? Is it as pleasant as a visit of that kind can be? Do they even need those exams so early? * Will our daughters have to go through what we went through? * What will we tell them about their births? Or their siblings birth as may be the case. I have a daughter. We call her Chickie Pea. Chickie Pea is, well, her birth was the really traumatic one for me. I often find myself asking these very questions. What WILL it be like when she's ready to have my grandbaby (whom I will love and babywear and call my little squishy and he/she shall be my little squishy!)? Will I have raised her to understand natural childbirth and breastfeeding? Will she let me be her doula & advocate? (I have high hopes!) Will she be strong enough to stand her own and make her own decisions when the time comes? The question I struggle with most is: what will I tell her? I was speaking to someone the other day about this and she said: PSYCHO! Why would anyone share that with their daughters? Psycho. This word has been resonating in my mind since. I can't wrap my mind around what she said. Why would I lie to Chickie Pea? Why wouldn't I tell her? Her birth story is a part of both of us. Then I think, when I tell her, I don't want her to think it was her fault. I don't want her to be afraid of doctors. I don't want her to be afraid of childbirth. It chokes me up to think about. I hope I can convey to her AND our son that it happened, it sucked and I made a little part of the world a better place because of it. I want to convey strength, empowerment, one strong & bad ass Momma! Chickie Pea is the biggest reason I took on the name "Momma Trauma." She is why I have to stand up for myself, for her, for my future daughter in law, future grandsquishies, for momma's here, there & everywhere. We didn't deserve this and they certainly don't either. *tears* Psycho. Am I? Maybe. But I stand by my psycho. I know, I know... The whole concept is new! But the Website is the newest addition! My mind has been racing the past few days with ideas of what I wanted to blog about and how we can grow an AWESOME and LOUD. In everything I thought about there was one constant missing: A constant! I needed a permanent (and explorable) home for all of our community needs. So, here it is! I hope you enjoy and share it! Let's make this big. I want our voices heard loud and clear!
On the site, you will find the blog (of course!) and lots of resources for healing, the complaint process and taking action. I hope this new site can address everyone who may deal with Birth Trauma starting with the mom, going all the way up birth & medical professionals and everyone in between. You'll find over time that the "Healing" section of the site will grow as we receive more submissions for artwork, word clouds and healing stories. It's important for us to see the happy side of all this, too, even though you may not be at a place where you can see that for yourself just yet. Momma Trauma WILL be lobbying in the near future for legislative change. There will be ways the community here on Momma Trauma can actively participate in these efforts in both small and large ways! There are a few sneaky and exciting things up Momma Trauma's sleeve to promote our efforts. Right now: I need help (yes, random help in any capacity you can think of!) and sponsorships to help get this party off the ground! You can be as active as you'd like or do small bits here & there. You also do not have to make your efforts public if you don't want to, I know from my own experiences that it sometimes takes a while before you want your struggle known to the public. What are your thoughts? What would you like to see? How would you like to help? Momma Trauma has had her own experiences in the trauma department. No two families will experience birth trauma the same, so my experience may be totally different than your own. But it is because of my experiences with birth trauma and the reactions I received from family, friends and authority figures that we are here. So, I wanted to share with you those experiences. You are NOT alone! You can read my birth story on The (phenomenal) Guggie Daily blog. (Note: Story may contain triggers) My dear friend Guggie played a very important role in my healing process early on by listening and posting my birth story for others to read. My story involves a very controversial term: "Birth Rape." I don't often use that term, and will write a blog post on it soon. It's inflammatory, and it means different things to different people. Please be respectful to myself and others. I have come to terms with what I call my "Birth rape" and subsequent birth trauma & ptsd. That is how I chose to identify my situation and it's okay if you don't agree with that term. Now, I usually use "violated." I was violated, seriously violated to the point I got ptsd and had major issues in the bedroom and triggers throughout my life for a while. I use that when I don't think people will really understand, so if you read through the story and get angry with my choice term, substitute the term "birth rape" for "violated" and you'll find it does the same thing for you. You know, we don't often want to "spew" these bad experiences for everyone to read. But if someone doesn't, nothing will ever change. This is a serious epidemic we have on our hands and without SERIOUS change, nothing will ever be done. I can't stress that enough. What empowers you? What will make you feel better about the experience you've encountered? For me, I need to own what happened and I am not to that point yet. I'm still healing. I am angry, bitter, sad, confused, and a myriad of other emotions. It empowered me to make the word cloud you might have seen on our Facebook page. It empowered me to see all those words that I bottle inside me all squished together and thrown out there for all to see. I would encourage all of you to make your own word cloud for healing. If you're a birth trauma supporter, make a word cloud to encourage yourself to be the supporter you'd like to become or even one to encourage those of us you might work with! Please share these word clouds with me! Send them to my email, my Facebook inbox or share it on the wall! |
AuthorWelcome to Momma Trauma's Blog! Thoughts, empowering posts and stories straight from Momma Trauma herself, Birth Trauma families & birth professionals. Archives
July 2015
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