Since when did PPD and PTSD after childbirth become gender-specific? Why do we, as women, have to own this burden as our own? As I said yesterday, this is not about being male-centered. My goal here is not to take the focus of birth trauma away from the birthing mom, rather to shed light on the truth of the matter: Partners can and do come out of childbirth with perinatal mood disorders sometimes, even if the birthing mom herself is psychologically healthy.
Women, what’s the deal? I hear some of you through the screen scoffing and saying “Tough shit, he didn’t birth this baby, HE didn’t get put through the trauma I went through...” And you’re right! He didn’t physically birth your baby. But that doesn’t mean he was any less emotionally invested in the experience. We so often fight for our right to be heard out. We say it’s not okay to say “Just get over it.” We argue that our feelings regarding our births are valid and real to their very core. Why then does this change when we suggest that a man could have PTSD from childbirth? Which, by nature, is an intimate and extraordinary time in both partners’ lives? He or she is supporting and watching the love of their life birth the love of both of their lives. If that precious moment should falter, if suddenly the now two or more loves in that partners life are in mortal danger, should the partner be okay with that scenario? Should they feel nothing while they watch trusted medical staffs violate the body of the one they love? I find it interesting that some of the very women who laugh at the possibility of a man having birth-related PTSD say in the same breath that Sure! Birth workers can have PTSD from witnessing a traumatic birth. Back up the train a bit, what?!? That doesn’t make any sense. A woman who, albeit hopefully somewhat close to the couple now, has probably only met with this couple a handful of times can come out of the experience dealing with PTSD, but the dad, who has dedicated his life to being emotionally involved with the mom and baby just can’t? Are we so insecure in our own female consciousness that we need to OWN birth trauma? Honest to goodness what I hear is: “It’s mine… ALL MINE, mwahahaha… he can’t feel anything; he’s not allowed to feel upset. This is MY trauma and he can’t have it.” Rather mind-blowing if you ask me. Seriously, of all the things we, as women could own, why birth trauma? What awesome thing will we gain from falsely arguing that men cannot feel anything besides newborn squishy love after childbirth? Nothing good, I’ll tell you that much. Guys, listen up. Now men, don’t get me wrong. Birth is a beautiful thing. (At least in my opinion) You should go with your wife or partner while she births your child to support her and witness the miracle of birth. But the fact is that some births are not so great and yes, some dads come out of it scarred. You don’t have to be scarred for life, there are ways you can heal from these events. But you have to get out there and talk about feelings in a productive way. Dad, you are an important member of your family unit. You can best support your partner and children when you’re psychologically healthy. Your child needs you to bond with him or her. Your partner needs a great support system in you, you might be all she’s got! Some women were arguing the idea that women need to be healthy FIRST, that her well-being is more important than the father’s because she’s breastfeeding and sustaining life. Yes, the second half is true. But that doesn’t make you, dad, any less important. In fact, while mom is sustaining life through breastmilk, you can help sustain life through skin-to-skin time with your child and by supporting mom’s decision to breastfeed. You are needed! You see, as a part of a healthy family unit dads *need* to be psychologically healthy just like us moms. The symptoms of perinatal mood disorders do not end with women. Dads can be bitter, angry, depressed, anxious, they can have flashbacks to the birth, even panic attacks. Nowhere in any description for perinatal disorders does it suggest that they only affect birthing moms. Dad, You and your family deserve a healthy partner. It’s okay to feel off after a birth. Find someone you can talk with and work through your feelings. Please understand that if the experience was traumatic for the mom in your life, she is not the right person to vent to about how awful it was for you. Let her know how you’re feeling and that you’d like to talk to someone. But she may not be the right person to completely vent to as she may be dealing with a more personal version of the trauma. Dad, You are important! Dad, You are needed! Remember: “It’s the crazy ones who don’t get help,” as said by my own mother. Coming tomorrow: Coping when both parents deal with PTSD
5 Comments
4/26/2013 05:06:25 am
Ohhh, this is fantastic! Thank you for approaching it!!!!
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4/26/2013 05:54:05 am
lol! Thanks for saying it's fantastic! :-P I scare myself sometimes when I approach debatable topics. But it's out there now and I've said my piece!
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4/26/2013 09:58:57 am
Very interesting piece, something I never even considered but now am pondering on....Thanks for the great read!
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4/26/2013 11:06:02 am
Very interesting!! I never even considered the possibility of men having this but it definitely makes sense!
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AuthorWelcome to Momma Trauma's Blog! Thoughts, empowering posts and stories straight from Momma Trauma herself, Birth Trauma families & birth professionals. Archives
July 2015
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