I am miscarrying. Again. This is a hard post to write today. But I made a promise to myself and to you when I began this journey to work on getting the unspoken truths out there in the open... So here goes another one of mine... This will be my third miscarriage, two were from before our living children. I often wonder what my life would be like if those babies were still living now, it would certainly be a lot different and our two kids now probably never would have come to be. All I can think is that God had a greater purpose for my life and I am where I should be right at this moment. Then I wonder why I would lose a baby now. I've had two healthy pregnancies and labors. I know I'm not broken. Or am I? Three miscarriages is a lot for one woman. This one is early, only 3.5-4 weeks. I was wondering why I was so extra tired lately. My first was at 8 weeks, my second which was an ectopic pregnancy which miscarried naturally was at 10 weeks. I'm wondering what I could have done wrong to make this happen, even though I know that's a somewhat irrational thought as sometimes it just happens. But I have been under a lot of stress lately, we really can't afford ourselves let alone another child (but hey, breastfeeding is free, right?!). What really hurts the most is for two years now, Zombie Prep Dad has been very strict on not wanting a third child. Things haven't been the best between us, but we're working on it. Things have definitely gotten a lot better. Marriage is definitely hard work that's for sure. Toss in two toddlers for good measure and you've got two Cookoo adults. Only in the past several weeks has he come around and even welcomed the idea. But we're really not ready. So now I sit on the couch, writing because Zombie Prep Dad has to go to work early to make the moula that flies right out the window. I wonder why my body might have rejected such a gift. We don't have a lot, but we have enough love to go around! You would have had two loud-mouthed, rambunctious playmates who probably would try to steal all your toys and pull your hair. But they would love you, too, I promise. I wonder if this will be what I have to deal with when we actually decide to try to conceive again, repeat miscarriages. It is physically exhausting. And painful. Luckily, not as painful or nauseating as my ectopic was, I don't have time for that while on Mommy Duty. My ectopic pregnancy/miscarriage felt like natural, full term labor pains. And above all, I wonder why... of all times... why does our toilet have to stop working NOW? Well, last night actually. I know that sounds silly, what does a toilet have to do with it? Well, we only have one. And it's not draining. (Zombie Prep Dad tells me it's draining very slowly?) Which means clots and such are just lingering unless I decide to go fishing. I would just love to crawl into a hole. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just wanted to share what's going on in my life right now. Zombie Prep Dad worked late yesterday, and early today, so I haven't really been able to talk to him. So you're it for the day! Thanks for listening and keeping a little space for me today.
1 Comment
Amanda
4/25/2013 08:54:28 am
I'm sorry for your loss. Its always hard when you're searching for reasons why. And really, how do you not? I don't think there is an answer.
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