I’ve had this post on my mind for a while. What better day than International Women’s Day (albeit a day late!) to send it out there in the universe and out of my mind! Pregnancy is a beautiful, and to some a sacred, time in the life of a family. Magically, our clothes start popping buttons and we want to eat… ALL.THE.TIME. After we’ve gone through the yucky “morning” (read: all day) sickness phase, of course. So then what? Then it’s all out from there. Literally. We just grow and grow and grow while bystanders gawk and assume they have some level of say in our healthcare decisions. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly respect the opinions of my peers, family and providers to a point. The good thing about that, though, is that they are just opinions whereas I (should) have the ultimate authority over my own body, and that of my new child. Good friends and/or health care providers understand that requirement. For me and my family, I also hold my husband’s opinion almost as high as my own (almost only because there is a level of: this is my body, not his!). That’s just how our family works; we don’t make important life-altering decisions without one another. Back to International Women’s Day. Some say it’s a day to celebrate “womanhood.” Others say it’s a day to celebrate our social, political and economic achievements throughout history. There are many things we can celebrate on each of these fronts. We could celebrate Rosa Parks (one of MY heroines!), or the women’s suffragette movement. We could give accolades to the first woman to do this, or the first woman to do that. We could find amazing scientific advances created by women from all over. We could celebrate our bodies and motherhood in their natural beauty. Instead, I am unable to focus on these amazing things. I am immersed in the beautiful and sacred time of life we call pregnancy. And it is just that. I’m amazed at what my body can do and the joys God has offered my family during this time, especially since we thought we were done! Well apparently not, God has a different plan. I love how my husband just lights up sometimes with that husbandly approval, “Yup. I did that.” For all that, I am grateful for my womanhood. For all that, I am also saddened and frankly, pissed off. I have many questions in my mind every day that a pregnant woman shouldn’t have to ask. Normal pregnant-mom questions aren’t even on my radar, like: Will my water break while I’m grocery shopping? Or singing in front of our church congregation? Will I go into labor early? Will I go into labor at all? Will there be an emergency? What childbirth class should I take? What if I can’t breastfeed? What if there’s something wrong with our baby? How will the dog(s) react? What will we do with the other children while I’m in the hospital? And…. WHY IS EVERYONE TOUCHING MY BELLY! No. My questions are more like: Will I receive evidence-based care? Or will it be based on the opinions of my care providers and their insurance? Will my informed consent and informed refusal be respected? Or tossed in the garbage like it has in the past? Do I go to the hospital to birth, or stay home? Which location poses the most risks for me & our child? If I stay home, do I do so attended only by my husband and toddlers? Or do I hire a midwife to assist us, all the while, risking her own freedom for mine? Will she go to jail on my account? OR should I create an “escape” plan to birth in a nearby state? OR OR... No, no or actually. Becoming Amish or Mennonite is out of the question. *insert eyeroll* Will an investigator be sent to my home if I have a homebirth? If I go to the hospital, do I go to the same hospital where I was violated (which is the “best” in our area)? Or choose a different location? Will I matter to my care providers? Or is it really just about the money and their schedule? Will I be separated from my husband and doula (again) against my wishes? Will they try to tell me I can’t proceed further until I have a vaginal exam, again? (Do they not understand how birth works?) Do I really want to take the 1/3rd risk of having major surgery by going to a hospital when evidence says most of those are not warranted? Will I be on a schedule to be cut, even if I don’t know about it? How do I plan to avoid unnecessary medical interventions to have the healthiest and safest birth possible (assuming no emergency arises)? Should I bring evidence upon evidence for any number of situations to show my doctors right then and there? Can I trust my care provider at the hospital to be truthful about medications given? Will I be on a time limit, which isn’t substantiated by scientific evidence, and then be forced to submit to those medical interventions I didn’t want in the first place? Will I trigger a PTSD episode *during* labor when a doctor is at the foot of the bed because of our daughter’s birth? And WHY DO YOU THINK YOU CAN TOUCH MY BELLY!? (okay, so that one’s the same) Why are these even questions? Why does this have to be a thing? Yes. We could say this list of questions is fear and anxiety laden, and we’d be correct. We could say “Good Lord, this mom needs help.” And we’d be right. I do need help. I need help understanding why our maternity care system is so messed up beyond belief and why it is based on the opinions of our medical personnel, rather than the personal needs, beliefs, opinions and research of the moms and families they “serve.” (F. Joelving , Ob-gyn guidelines often based on opinions, weak data. Reuters. 2011.) And why our maternity care situation continues to be perpetuated in a society which heralds itself as free, equal and all for human rights? Why is it that I have to fight so damn hard to get the birth that I desire, and believe so heavily in for safety, health and religious reasons? Why is that a thing? Why is it that I was violated TWICE in the past, as was one of our children, because the doctors were impatient and didn’t know the proper care needed EACH.TIME. Why was that a thing? So, this International Women’s Day, I am thinking about the women across our globe that are dealing with similar situations and questions. Why can’t we celebrate our womanhood in every aspect, including birth? And who will step up for these moms who deserve better? We deserve better outcomes, better care and damnit, some respect so we can do what needs to be done safely! Previous Post: Parenting is history in the making. What kind of history will you choose?
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Did you know you are making history? Well, you are. Every moment you dedicate to your child, your partner, or yourself for that matter, you’re making history.
The other day, I had to pic our preschooler up early and boy was he upset. Poor guy just wailed and wailed, not wanting to leave school. “But I love school,” I could hear him plead. Now I’ve picked him up early before, but usually just a few minutes early when everyone was also packing up. This was half an hour early, so they were in the middle of important business! So when his teachers got him to the door to where I was, I immediately took his hand, gave him a BIG hug and asked him if he was okay. He gibbered something that I couldn’t decipher, but gave him the mommy, “uh huh, oh MY!” so he at least thought I was understanding him. When we got in the car, I asked him what happened. I figured he’d tell me a cute story about whatever it was they were working on at the time. But no. What he told me blew my mind. He said: “Well, you just held my hand and you just listened.” It doesn’t sound BIG. I didn’t fly around the world. But to him? That small gesture made HISTORY for our son. It’s little things like that that will add up (I hope) to a lifetime of fond memories of his parents helped nurture him as he grows into a respectful young man and can do the same for someone else. And he already has. On a (albeit rare) occasion, I catch him nurturing his little sister the same way we do with them both. History. Did you ever have one of those “just leave me alone for the night” arguments with your partner? But then come back the next morning to apologize and make up? My mom used to always tell us growing up, “Never go to bed angry.” But, let’s face it. No couple is perfect. But when we look beyond ourselves and try to work things out, we make history for ourselves and our children. You are saying: You are worth this effort, WE are worth it. You will be setting an example. Maybe you had a different kind of partner issue and are coming out of a violence situation. You might have made history for yourself and your children by leaving that situation. Although it might not seem better at the time and it's scary beyond all get out, you are making history by providing a better life than was available with abuse in the background. You are saying: You are worth this effort, WE are worth it. You will be setting an example. History. Do you sneak off to take secret moments just for yourself each day? Maybe you recognized a problem and visited a counselor? Do you have a hobby, something you enjoy doing just for you? When we do these things and take care of ourselves, we are making history for ourselves, our partners and our children. We are showing our children that it’s okay to be selfish every once and a while. We are showing our kids and our partners that sometimes, just sometimes, it’s not all about them and we need to regain a little sanity, too. We are showing everyone that we need to take care of ourselves so that we can continue to take care of, what feels like, the world. This will then teach them that they need to do the same to be healthy. History. When we make history in the simple things, extraordinary things are possible. Who knows where we will be in 20 years, or our partners or children. Our children may be the next astronaut, teacher or doctor. Take care of yourself, momma. You are laying the foundation and history for what we need tomorrow to be! Happy International Women’s Day! Then, there was silence. It's been quiet around here for a while now. You know, I tell people all I want to do is shout our platform from the mountaintops. but there's power in the silence, too. Sometimes I just don't know what to say. Other times I can't say anything at all. I was at a coffee shop just the other day discussing placenta's with another professional when a local birth professional happened to walk in. We spoke for a bit on local happenings including a sudden baby boom and Delaware midwifery activism. She went on to tell me that her employer told her she was not allowed to participate in "home birth efforts," or she could face jail time. You could just see the sadness this causes her. She has been silenced. THEY have been silenced, as she's not the only one. Moms all over are routinely told they must go about birth a certain way, whether it's an induction, cesarean or other route, simply because they have a "big baby." Several moms (that we know of) last year were threatened with Child Protective Services should they not comply. These moms were silenced. When we are told that we are merely moms, we don't have the experience of a doctor thus we cannot possibly know what is going on with our own bodies, we are silenced. Many moms feel they cannot discuss their emotions after baby. "It's a healthy baby," others say, as if mom doesn't matter "enough." We go through the daily grind and keep the tears, anger, unease, depression to ourselves without seeing help, because no one around us understands or can put their own ideas aside to suggest help. These moms are silenced. Moms, like me, in states where midwifery isn't allowed outside of an office, birth center or hospital, we can't talk about the joy found in receiving that care. We can't tell our prenatal care provider that we desire a homebirth. We have to do it "behind the scenes" if we feel that strongly about having a homebirth, VBAC, you name it. Or even still, we choose to remain silent to protect the women who so bravely give of their own freedom so that we may have ours. Those women live in silence, for fear of persecution from the very ones who say they do so for the safety and health of moms and babies. Yet, our maternity outcomes are atrocious. We are silenced. I am silenced. When we teach our daughters that they can only dress modestly and quietly so that men don't ogle in hopes of preventing rape, we are silencing our daughters. When we teach ourselves that we have to submit to the male-oriented patriarchy that is our non-evidenced based maternity care in America blindly, no matter what, we are silencing ourselves. And we all deserve better. The more women, professionals, partners, friends and family start stepping up and out of oppression, the less oppression there will be. It takes time for us all to get there, but it's happening. A paradigm shift is occurring, slowly. I'm tired of being silent! I'm tired of watching women be coerced into laying down and taking it, both figuratively and physically. We can change things! What would you add? "Oppression can only survive through silence." Carmen de Monteflores |
AuthorWelcome to Momma Trauma's Blog! Thoughts, empowering posts and stories straight from Momma Trauma herself, Birth Trauma families & birth professionals. Archives
July 2015
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