I just realized I don’t remember being handed my baby. 26 months later and I've never realized this before; instead, I sit here sobbing. I'm sad, mad, downright pissed off actually. I don’t remember the hospital staff giving me Chickie-Pea. I remember the violence right before I pushed her out, the already cold hospital atmosphere that quickly turned horrific when he wouldn’t respect my body. Then I remember my doula reminding me about vernix which I just couldn’t care less about (sorry, I know you understand) and I know Chickie-Pea was in my arms at that point, but that’s it. I just don’t remember. I don’t remember my baby girl’s first moment of in-someone’s-arms love. She was born into a hostile environment and I can’t remember that first moment for her. I can’t tell her of the joy I felt when she was finally safely in on my chest that first moment, because I didn’t feel that. Chickie-Pea & Mommy Not for reuse! I vaguely remember “joking” with my husband that she was an ugly baby. What a horrible thing to say. The next thing I remember is relaxing in a hospital bed in the recovery maternity room. Those are moments I may never remember; stolen at the hands of someone who lacks the respect and decency for his patients, or at least me. When I look at one of the only photos I have of Chickie-Pea and I immediately after her birth, I see goop in her eye that she didn’t need and I’m pretty sure I put in our birth plan that she was not to receive that stuff. I see an exhausted & pale mom, who isn’t right after labor? I see a half-ass smile, one of those “If you don’t hurry up and take this picture I’ll squirt you,” kind of looks. It’s not a: “*Sigh* Look at this beautiful baby,” look. She looks unhappy. I look unhappy. I look beaten down. I asked my husband, Zombie Prep Dad if he remembered. He said no. He remembered that they did give Chickie-Pea to me right away as asked and because of that, I had “blood and vagina particles splattered” on me from the guts of labor. Nice, eh? Somewhat amusing… But he doesn’t remember “That Moment” either. I don’t remember those first moments in her life. I remember the disconnect I had with my own baby. I remember knowing she was MY baby, and feeling like she was MY baby, but not really feeling happy about it all the time. You know those stories we hear about how mom lovingly brought her own baby up from birth and placed her gently on her own chest? Or when the doctor placed baby immediately and gently on momma’s chest while she continued fourth stage labor? I didn’t get that. I don’t remember that. I don’t remember being gifted with my daughter after everything we went through. All I remember is looking my doctor in the eye as he continued his abuse against me. That’s not what I want to remember. I don’t remember those first moments in HER life. Do you have Stolen Moments? Did you ever get over the idea that you may never get those memories back?
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Update: Delaware Dept. of Health response puzzling at best, women's freedoms still in question5/22/2013 Kelly Bachman from Governor Markell's office of Delaware e-mailed me today, along with a letter from the Delaware Department of Health which was said to have been e-mailed to me prior to this letter regarding a previous note I sent to them, but I have never received that first letter until now. A response at all is a great step; the door is opening. I'm also glad to see they are still reviewing everything. And she's absolutely right, there IS one non-nurse midwife practicing in Delaware, who was grandfathered in prior to the regulations in question being put in place to attend to the Amish and Mennonite women in our community only, and even those are somewhat limited. There have been NO NEW Non-Nurse Midwives to license in the state of Delaware since those regulations took place in 2002 and not for a lack of trying on the part of our midwives. Ms. Rattay from the Division of Public Health seems to misunderstand the problem. It is not just "difficult" for our midwives to obtain licensure by having those collaborative agreements, it is impossible. They absolutely cannot become licensed in the state of Delaware with that regulation in place. as the malpractice insurance of the doctors with whom they would collaborate do not allow for these agreements between non-nurse midwife and doctor. She goes on to say, "DPH recognizes both that giving birth at home is an important part of the birth experience for some families..." which makes me wonder if she has seen any statistics on the safety of home births vs. births in a hospital setting. It is not just about an experience. Parents usually make informed decisions surrounding the care of themselves and their children after a lot of thought and research, with the safety of everyone in mind and of utmost importance. She also mentions: "DPH is reviewing our current regulations and recent incidents in Delaware of births that involved serious complications." It is my hope that they are also reviewing "recent incidents in Delaware of births that involved serious complications," that may have involved doctors or nurses. Over 99% of our country's population births in a hospital or birthing center setting, yet we don't often hear about the incidents in those establishments, even when pregnancy-related death occurs. I am cautiously optimistic to see that the state is "committed to balancing these interests" and certainly hope they understand they are not only restricting our freedoms, but discriminating against women in the process. We are fully capable of making informed decisions regarding our own healthcare and that of our children, which includes the decision of whom we decide to invite to our birth, no matter where that may occur. In the meantime, our families are still being visited by state investigators and our midwives investigated for trying to allow women in Delaware to exercise their due right to making our own informed healthcare decisions with competent care provided. Ms. Antonik, Thank you for contacting the Governor's Office with questions regarding the safe delivery of newborns in Delaware. We are aware of your concerns and have responded previously through the Department of Health and Social Services, Division of Public Health. Their previous response to questions similar to those posed in your recent inquiry is provided again for you, below. While we understand the issue and maintain that ensuring the safety of both mothers and their newborns is paramount, we have no new information to share at this time. Best, Kelly M. Bachman, Social Media Manager Office of Governor Jack A. Markell 302.577.8495| 820 N. French Street| Wilmington, DE 19801 | cell: 302.299.9791 Dear Jennifer Antonik,
Thank you for your correspondence to the Governor's Office regarding: Change regulations to allow Certified Professional Midwives (CPMs) to obtain permits to practice in Delaware so that families have the right to choose how they give birth. Licensure of CPMs will support an integrated maternity care system. The Division of Public Health (DPH) regulates non-nurse midwifery (Title 16, 4106 Practice of Non-Nurse Midwifery) under Title 16 Del.C. Ch1 §122(3)h. Since 2002, DPH regulations have required permitted non-nurse midwives to establish a collaborative agreement with a Delaware licensed physician with obstetrical privileges. This agreement must include the following: a minimum number of medical provider prenatal visits; guidelines and protocols for access and use of oxygen and medications; and emergency protocols for labor, delivery, and postpartum. These requirements are to protect both the mother and the baby in the event the pregnancy or birth faces complications. We understand the collaborative agreement with a trained physician with obstetrical hospital privileges is difficult for non-nurse midwives to secure given the difficulty in finding liability coverage. And, DPH is aware of situations in which non-nurse midwives have practiced and will be seeking an increase of the penalties for those practicing outside the scope of the law. There is only one non-nurse midwife legally practicing in Delaware and that individual is serving low-risk women in medically underserved communities in central and southern Delaware. Pursuant to Executive Order #36, DPH held open public hearings this fall to hear suggestions on how regulations could be streamlined to improve efficiency and reduce red-tape. Non-nurse midwives and their client families attended and expressed their interest in eliminating the collaborative agreement requirement. DPH is reviewing our current regulations and recent incidents in Delaware of births that involved serious complications. We are reviewing laws from other states to determine how other jurisdictions handle this issue. DPH recognizes both that giving birth at home is an important part of the birth experience for some families and that home births need to occur in a manner that is safe for both the mother and the baby, is integrated with the health care system, and provides access to a hospital setting when needed. We remain committed to balancing these interests. Thank You, Karyl T. Rattay, MD, MS Director Division of Public Heath Keep up with the Story: Speak Out: Delaware moms losing freedom to birth safely (printable) Freedom to safe birth options denied, Investigators visit Delaware families FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE By Jennifer Antonik, Momma Trauma Blog The rights, freedoms and safety of Delaware women are quickly becoming severely limited as they currently have no legal access to skilled health care providers permitted to attend planned homebirths, limiting their freedoms, safety and human rights. Imagine answering a knock at your door to find a state investigator staring back at you with questions regarding the uneventful birth of your healthy child. Some families across Delaware have been dealing with just this scenario. The common thread? Those visited recently birthed their child(ren) at home rather than in hospital and/or birth center settings and are now being questioned on who attended their birth(s), specifically which, if any, midwives were in attendance. Midwives who once practiced in Delaware are now being forced “underground” or out of state to work, due to licensing requirements making it impossible for them to legally practice in Delaware. Those who have practiced in Delaware in recent years are now being sought after by the state in hopes of "catching them in the act" of midwifery by arriving at a home shortly after a birth or otherwise contacting the home birth families to obtain names. Restricting access to competent care leaves few options for women who choose planned homebirths and increases the risk of doing so without a skilled birth attendant or attempting to leave the state of Delaware altogether while in labor to birth where she is able to be attended to legally. Major safety concerns also arise when rare cases which require transferring a laboring woman to a hospital are met with the reality that the midwife could be arrested upon arrival. It all adds up to make birth less safe for both mother and baby. Over 99% of all United States women give birth in a hospital or birth center setting, yet our maternal mortality rates continue to rise with a whopping 49 countries ranking better than the United States, including, according to Amnesty International, some developing countries. Save the Children’s recent report, “State of the the World’s Mother’s,” which was released on Mother’s Day 2013 also stated, “The United States has the highest first-day death (newborns) rate in the industrialized world. This is 50 percent more first-day deaths than all other industrialized countries combined.” Because of these problems and others often associated with hospital-based maternity care such as poor breastfeeding support, skyrocketing Cesarean rates (DE-33.9%) and the overused “cascade of interventions” including early and often non-evidence-based inductions, some moms (although still rare) make the informed decision to birth their child at home. Current medical evidence shows homebirth to be as safe or safer than births in a hospital setting when appropriately supported by a trained, skilled, experienced and licensed midwife offering a continuity of care and individualized assessments to identify if someone is not a good candidate for home birth.
In order to increase Delawareans access to midwifery-care, Delaware families are demanding the state amend Delaware Code Title 16, 4106 Practice of Non-Nurse Midwifery, Section 4.3, which bars professional, non-nurse midwives from becoming licensed within our state as it is impossible for them to obtain full collaborative agreements with a Delaware licensed physician with obstetrical hospital privileges due to insurance barriers. Without this requirement, our midwives and doctors could still work together to offer the best care possible for our families. Only one non-nurse midwife has been able to claim her licensure to practice in Delaware as she was grandfathered into the system prior to the current regulations which took effect over ten years ago. She continues to offer homebirth options to those who could not take part of institutionalized healthcare for religious reasons, but is not legally sanctioned to attend homebirths otherwise. According to a 2012 study, also found in the CMAJ, the best maternity care in the world features respectful collaboration among midwives, doctors, and hospital staff. Instead of using state resources to restrict women’s rights in birth, endanger the lives of mothers and babies, and wrongfully criminalize women who support other women in their lawful action of giving birth where they choose, the State of Delaware should work towards providing better maternity care for all mothers who reside within her borders, including all of their rights, freedoms and safety concerns. If this has happened to your family, we want to hear from you! E-mail us at [email protected] or find us on Facebook: Page & Group. Help Make a Difference!
Keep up with the Story: Speak Out: Delaware moms losing freedom to birth safely (printable) Update: Delaware Dept. of Health response puzzling at best, women's freedoms still in question Moms in Delaware do not have access to non-nurse midwives to attend their planned homebirths which account for less than one percent of all births across the country. Yet our maternal mortality, cesarean and other devastating rates continue to climb. If you would like to make a difference in Delaware, please download the PDF final below named delaware_midwife.pdf and send it in to your local legislators, change-makers, media representatives, etc. We need to speak up and out if we want birth to be safer in Delaware again. By taking away our right to qualified care where we decide to give birth, birth itself then becomes less safe as women will: Leave our state to labor, birth without a birth attendant at home or birth in the hospital when she otherwise would have chosen to birth at home. Current Delaware Statistics which could drastically improve with better access to midwives:
Where can you send your letter?
Other ways to help:
Keep up with the Story: Freedom to safe birth options denied, Investigators visit Delaware families Update: Delaware Dept. of Health response puzzling at best, women's freedoms still in question
Photo submitted by Kathy Morelli
This is a Guest Post from Kathy Morelli, LPC, author, blogger and avid mother & family supporter. Thank you, Kathy, for helping us understand part of the ever-confusing world of medications and mental health. Kathy takes us through the informed choice processes of possibly needing medications to feeling healthier and wanting to take ourselves back off them. Medications and mental health: an issue with fifty shades of gray. I discuss two shades of gray below. If you have others to add, please put them in the comments below. Gray Shade One: I don't want to take meds; I don't like chemicals in my body, I'd like to manage things myself Whenever someone comes into my office who has anxiety or depression and who is not suicidal and says this, I say, Hey, no problem. I'm not the expert on your life and I'm not your personal mental health gate-keeper. There are fifty shades of gray here. So I say, let's have a thoughtful discussion about your situation, let's plan your path back to health. Yes, sometimes feelings of anxiety and depression can be managed using a twice-weekly regimen of talk therapy and daily strict adherence to mindbody therapies. There is ample evidence supporting the use of mindbody therapies to reduce physical and emotional pain. Hell, I was the Mindbody Specialist at a hospital for three years, I love this stuff. So let's design a mindbody program just for you; we'll see how you feel, and we'll re-evaluate your situation in a few weeks. And, just in case, I have back-up; I have the names of some wonderful primary care physicians and psychiatrists who can help you with medication, if necessary. So you get to look at some complementary methods and the research behind these methods and you get to go home with some choices to think about. But the thing is, what I find, is with most people walking into my office, a professional counseling office, is that they are usually too anxious, depressed or traumatized to adhere to a mindbody program. Just finding me either online or from a referral, making the appointment and getting to my office for the first time required a lot of their energy and was a monumental step. So, in general, people who are too paralyzed from depression and anxiety don't have the energy or mental space to devote to regimen of mindbody therapies. And sometimes the habit of depression or anxiety has become so ingrained neurologically, psychologically, and behaviorally that it's a life-crisis. They are suffering terribly. So a jump-start of medication can help someone who is depressed or anxious get going on a practical level with their lives. And the mindbody work can be added as complementary therapies to support their healing path. There are fifty shades of gray here: after the crisis has past and some healing has occurred, some individuals with some diagnoses might be able to be weaned from the medication and sustained with mindbody work. It really depends on the diagnosis and the person. Some people may need medication for the rest of their lives, and others may need it just to regain their balance. GrayShade Two: I feel better, so I want to stop taking my meds Ok – so you feel better, that means things are going well – rock on! Fabulous! You think you want to disengage from the pharmaceutical machine. Ok - this is another instance where I feel, as a professional counselor, I am not here to direct your life. I'm here to help you work out your thoughts and feelings about this matter and to be a resource for you. So, I say, let's talk. It is a good idea to empower yourself by being mindful of your own choices about your own health. A decision to go off of medication deserves as much thought as a decision to go on medication. These decisions are kind of life altering. If you were very ill before taking your medication and now you want to stop, you might want to think about how not taking your medication will affect your life and the people in your family. It's actually dangerous to just go cold turkey with many psychotropic medications, they should be tapered off gradually under the direction of a doctor. You can become mindful of your choices by exploring your thoughts, feelings and options around this issue. So, develop your own informed decision about going off your meds. Have a fact-gathering, thoughtful discussion on an emotionally mature level with your counselor, your partner and your medical doctor. Such questions to explore might be: – Is it appropriate in my individual situation, with my diagnosis, to try to live without a medication? – What are some therapies that can support my decision to live without medications? – What would these complementary therapies entail? – How will my going off my medications affect my partner and family? – How does my partner and family feel about me going off my medications? – What is the back-up plan if I am feeling ill again? – How quickly can I begin medication again if I need to? – Is it easy to get an appointment with you if I need medication again? Beginning a medication requires assessment, emotional commitment and planning. Stopping or tapering off a medication also involves thought, informed decision-making and support. As I said before, there are fifty shades of gray here: after the crisis has past and some healing has occurred, some individuals with some diagnoses might be able to be weaned from the medication and sustained with mindbody work. It really depends on the diagnosis and the person. Some people may need medication for the rest of their lives, and others may need it just to regain their balance. Empower yourself! Discuss your decision with your family and healthcare practitioners before discontinuing any medication. Kathy Morelli, LPC, is a licensed marriage and family counselor in Wayne, NJ. Kathy specializes in helping women and their families with the emotions of birth, pregnancy, postpartum and in the adjustment to parenthood. Author and blogger, she is the author of the BirthTouch® series of books on motherhood. She writes at her own blog, BirthTouch®, is co-hosting the Postpartum Support International's May 2013 #PSIBLOG Hop, and has served as a Guest Editor for the Lamaze Science & Sensibility blog. Visit her at birthtouch.com and kathymorelli.com
What Shades of Gray can you think of in terms of mental health, therapy and/or medication? How do we go from "The Business of Baby" to "The Politics of Childbirth and Parenting?" You know what I'm talking about: The Mommy Wars. Only now, it's become much more public through uneducated book reviews by advocates on both sides of the fence and debates finding their way to personal facebook pages and public groups. Unlike other subjects, there are not many books on the “behind-the-scenes” aspects of birth such as industry and human rights, although the field is growing. The top books in the topic can be counted on one hand and are relatively new within the past ten years. The newest book to the club was recently published and has already seen its fair share of both scrutiny and support. Jennifer Margulis’ new book, “The Business of Baby: What Doctors Don’t Tell You, What Corporations Try to Sell You and How to Put Your Pregnancy, Childbirth and Baby Before Their Bottom Line” is based on the industry of childbirth and parenting. Naturally, it makes people uncomfortable, sometimes even scared. Such was blatantly the case when fellow author Annie Murphy Paul reviewed the new book for The New York Times. While Paul acknowledges the book offers serious and valid questions on topics such as maternal mortality and increasing rates of interventions, she leaves a sour taste for the mere thought of paying more than a “used” pricing on this obviously dubious novel. Paul’s opinion and lack of knowledge on the subject is solidified in this remark: “With her focus on a largely bygone 1950s dynamic between women and doctors, in fact, Margulis has missed the real problem for today’s patients: too much information and too few reliable intermediaries who can sort fact from rumor.” The truth of the matter is that women’s healthcare in the United States has indeed reverted back to a time when the idea of woman owning her own body was unheard of, and when it was heard of, it was quickly scolded and pushed back under the rug. We are too often taught that her body is not her own; medical staff know our bodies better than us. It is curious that Paul, journalist and author in her own right of several books, seemingly lacks the ability to grasp the grave situation of our birth crisis. She currently blogs about brilliance and the “master skill” of learning, yet couldn’t find it in herself to do some needed research on her own regarding the claims in Margulis’ book before out casting them as impossibilities versus truths. Instead, she took these “horrifying” stories from “The Business of Baby” and assumed they must be falsehoods as they seemed “dated” and “romanticized” the idea of natural, non-medical, midwife attended births, which evidence states is healthier overall for both mom and baby in normal, healthy pregnancies and births. She also scoffed at the very idea of the topic of this book, an expose of the childbirth and parenting industry. “Margulis sniffs the same motivation behind prenatal care, ultrasounds, neonatal intensive care units, well-baby visits, even circumcisions: profit,” Paul wrote. “Hospitals have a lucrative sideline in selling foreskins to the biotechnical industry, Margulis reports, which uses them to make artificial skin, wound dressings and “high-end beauty products.”” There is no question that medical interventions available in the United States have, in fact, saved lifes. There also is no question that those same procedures have proved harmful to both mother and baby as seen in the recent Childbirth Connection study, Listening to Mothers III, and in many other previous studies. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists even stated recently that routine use of Pitocin or unnecessary inductions were dangerous and natural birth was preferable in most situations. It is clear that Paul has no idea what our current birthing climate is like in the United States, yet writes as if she is an authority on the topic. Paul did not achieve the very core ideas behind journalism: Objectiveness and truth. When you carry the burden of the purchasing decisions of others on your review, objectiveness and truth is crucial. Paul understands the importance of a positive pregnancy and the dangers of early trauma as is clearly represented in her 2011 book, “Origins: How the Nine Months Before Birth Shape the Rest of Our Lives” However, she is vastly underestimating the situation we currently find ourselves in here in the United States. Here are some short objective reviews for “The Business of Baby” found on Amazon.com: “Pregnancy and childbirth are wildly vulnerable times, and one is desperate to put one's faith in the doctor. Jennifer Margulis reveals why that trust is sometimes misplaced, and helps us to make wise choices when the stakes are high. This is a must-read book for parents and parents-to-be,and for the medical professionals who care for us.” Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. author of The Dance of Anger and Marriage Rules “This is a book I will recommend to all my OB patients. Parents need to know about the over medicalization of childbirth and that they have a choice. Thank you.” Patricia Harman CNM, author of The Midwife of Hope River and other books. “This book is a well rounded review of the issues surrounding childbirth. The more information you have the better off you are! Those that have bashed this book have an ax to grind. Just do a short google search and you will find the truth regarding their background. There is a huge difference between informed consent and informed compliance. Some health care practitioners really prefer patients that do not do their own research and take their word for everything. You should NOT do that with any practitioner, CNM, CPM or OB/GYN. Read this book and do your own research. That is the only way you can be truly informed. Those that wish to keep you ignorant, wish to keep you compliant. Think about it. We have some of the worst maternal/infant morbidity and mortality stats than other developed nations. There are reasons for this, you only have to do a little research. This is a good book to add to your collection or start the process!!” M. Anderson, NPR Florida “As both an experienced midwife and Yale trained MD - also a mom of 4 - I've seen the ins and outs of maternity care and pediatrics. I give Jennifer Margulis' book The Business of Baby the highest recommendation! Margulis illustrates, through a combination of sometimes heart-stopping stories, always well-researched facts, and articulate narrative what every pregnant woman and new parent needs to know - that the current medical industry, in spite of many well-meaning physicians, is a fear and profit-driven model that seems to have forgotten its core goals - the health of mom and baby. Her book is spot-on consistent with many of my experiences in obstetrics and pediatrics training and practice in some of the nation's top teaching hospitals. To be informed you must know the whole story. The Business of Baby will give you the inside scoop on the half that's rarely told. It will help you to be informed about what you need to know, ask, expect - and if necessary demand - if you want to improve your chances of having a healthy pregnancy, birth, and baby.” Aviva Romm, M.D. Related Posts Violence during Childbirth: Think it doesn't happen? Think again. Help change the birth crisis in your area with these tips Who's to blame when it comes to pregnancy-related deaths? Our birth crisis is a global problem. We can find horrifying stories of birth in every corner of our world from women who have to walk miles during labor to reach just one health clinic, just to be abused by the doctors available because they can to women who are forced by threats of Child Protective Services and Police to endure every medical intervention available simply because we have those medical advancements at our disposal.
Because of this global birth crisis and inherent lack of respect for women in their most precious and vulnerable stage of life, birth trauma is becoming commonplace; an every day occurrence. I hear these stories with new names every day. Think it doesn't happen? Here are some examples from now commonplace, everyday stories. Women:
I wish someone could explain to me why it's acceptable for Violence and Abuse to find its way in our labor and delivery rooms. Better yet, can someone explain that to the countless women all across the globe who now have to deal with this Birth Trauma? Is it inbred in our birthing teams via medical school as Dr. Marsden Wagner suggests in his book, “Born in the USA?” In what world does it make sense for our medical establishment to *not* be based on scientific facts and data? Since when do we need to control a natural process such as labor? It makes me cringe, the treatment I hear about daily. When we birth in a respectful, peaceful environment, our bodies usually work their magic. When we birth in environments such as the ones listed above, our bodies can make the process of labor more difficult or even shut down. After the birth, our minds might replay our births and the horrors that were presented to us in the form of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Many women come out of situations such as these with PPD (PostPartum Depression), PTSD, Anxiety, OCD or other Perinatal Mood Disorders. Why is that acceptable? Why can't every woman have the chance at a beautiful, sacred birth? We need to take a stand. Find us on Facebook. Related Posts Help change the birth crisis in your area with these tips Who's to blame when it comes to pregnancy-related deaths? Acceptance: It actually happened, and it wasn't cool Does rape during childbirth make it not rape at all?
Our sleeping angels. Photos copyright Momma Trauma Blog
Kids, Mommy loves you. I just don’t think I can tell you just how much mommy loves you. You are my world. Everything I do now, I do with you in mind. I have always loved you since before we knew about you. Growing up, when someone would ask me what I wanted to be, I’d say a Mommy! A teacher, a preacher, a singer, a writer. And I get to be all of those things with you, for you. It’s funny how God works that way, putting all of your desires and talents in one basket, for one purpose. Zombie Prep Dad and our bouncing baby boy. Do not reuse. To our Big Boy: I felt like I failed you right from the beginning. I didn’t “know” to do my research and take a GOOD childbirth class. I followed the doctors blindly and after drugs and laboring in bed, you got stuck. A medically induced shoulder dystocia, for which the doctor broke your collarbone to get you out. I didn’t know any better, but I should have. I shouldn’t have been so naïve. I felt like I broke you. *I* was the one with the small pelvis. When really, I’ve got birthing hips! There was no “Small” about it, a lie. You didn’t have to have a broken collarbone that will probably pain you for the rest of your life. That’s my fault, little one. I will carry that burden for the rest of my life. Not only that, but when you were whisked away to the NICU for jaundice, I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I had *really* broken you then, but you were fine. You were a superhero from the start. I stayed with you as much as I could to love on you with words, hugs and breastmilk while you slept and healed your jaundice. I loved getting to know you as a wee one, nursing and babywearing you were my new favorite past-times! I learned from our experience. Now you're a mess. And I love it. Just today you stood at the other end of the room, yelled out MOMMYYYYYY and ran at my full force saying "Attack Superpower Hugs & Kiss!" So you know what I did? I caught you and smothered you with kisses until you squirmed away. Mommy & Chickie-Pea. Do not reuse. Chickie-Pea: Girl, you and me, we're a pair. I’m not ready to tell you our birth story yet, you wouldn’t understand it anyway. Well, neither does your brother I guess, but one day I’ll tell you. When you’re ready. You and I have a bit of a different experience. You were born healthy, whole, nothing “broken.” In fact, we were in and out of the hospital in 12 hours, after which we took you to the mall to buy new pillows for mommy and daddy, do you remember that? I didn’t think so, bet the salesman does though! But through your birth, Mommy became broken. That’s where I failed you. None of our experience was your fault, I want you to know that wholeheartedly. There is no “Because you were born, (this) happened.” No. It’s “Because you were born, I found myself again.” It’s true that after you were born, mommy dealt with depression and PTSD. It is what it is, it just happens to some mommies. The important thing is that it wasn’t your fault at all. Mommy is so glad you came to us when you did. Your daddy and I love you so much. Did you know, at two years old, you can match pitch just like mommy? And you’ll sing with me on Sunday mornings while practicing for church, hands on your hips, shaking your butt. Daddy says you even have better rhythm than mommy, which isn’t saying much. You love pickles and will eat just about anything. Heaven-forbid I order a salad for me, it won't be mine for long! Chickie-Pea, you know when I’m feeling down or just need some extra lovin’s and you’ll wait until your brother falls asleep. Then give it a little whining for mommy to come running just so you can have some extra snuggle-time. I know your deal, chick! I can see right through you, but it’s okay. Because I really do love those extra minutes just the two of us. The birth experience we share, baby girl, has turned my world upside-down and I’m trying to put that to good use. I hope that you and your brother can look back on our early years and say you were proud to be with us, even though it wasn’t great all the time. I really just hope I don’t screw it up. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve allowed things to come between us in the past, and for that I’m sorry. Your daddy and I love you more than anything. There were days when I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I had to and was glad I did because you would put a smile back on my face. There were other days when all I wanted to do was cry, and your crying would only make it worse because I couldn’t fix your crying. But eventually, we’d get it together and realize all we needed to do was nurse, hug and crawl around on the floor to explore. *Score for oxytocin!* (Mommy, what’s oxytocin? I’ll explain later babies, I promise. It’s awesome stuff) I nursed you when I didn’t think I could take anymore, I was touched out or had sore nipples, but it’s what you needed and that drove me to never stop! I let my anxiety and panic attacks affect my mothering to the point where I needed to just walk away from everything for a while, but that’s okay because daddy would be there to play while I regrouped. I’ve yelled when I should have whispered, sobbed when I should have breathed, but also loved you when nothing else in the world mattered because mine was shattered. You kids are two and three now. You say “Please,” “Thankyou” and “You’re Welbum.” I know when you say “I wub you,” you mean it with every breath. You run, scream, jump, play and climb on every surface you know you’re not supposed to explore. It’s like having two Denis the Menaces under one roof. My little monkeys, you eat us out of house and home! And Chickie-Pea, one of these days you’re going to have to learn NOT to bite and chew on mommy while you nurse. OW! By the end of the day, I’m a stinky, run down, tired, listless mommy who poops out at parties (Yes, I pulled out some I Love Lucy on you!) I’d love to get more showers and hire a maid! But when I climb into bed everynight, I can smile because I have the best damn monkeys in the world. It’s true. Every mother says that. And every mother is right. I have tried the best I know how, we have overcome so much. We enjoy each other no matter what goes on in our lives. You guys give the best hugs ever, you pat my head and say “Is’ okay mommy,” when I’m sad. We run, jump, scream, whisper, dance, play monsters and cars, sing, and above all else: Smile and Love. When nothing else is going right, I know I have you kids by my side. Thank you for being the reason Mother’s Day is always awesome, every day is awesome with your smiles and laughter. Mother's Day isn't about birth per say, but so much about our life IS about birth, and how we start out. Thank you for giving myself back to me. Know that you are beautiful, amazing, wonderful, talented little people. I hope we can help you grow just as you need. Love always and forever, Mommy
Click to Pin! Original image by freedigitalphotos.net/imagerymajestic
Grave numbers for the United States:
Childbirth Connection, an organization dedicated to research, consumer advocacy and health care system transformation, suggests that the health care system is not listening to women through their newly released study: Listening to Mothers III. Several areas were identified as major problems for mothers in terms of care (in no specific order):
The thing is: Every little bit counts! But there's so many who aren't doing *anything!* If they could step up and do one little thing, it would help so much! These are, of course, personal questions that only you know the answer to: What can you do differently to be heard by our health care system and mothers? To whom can you reach? Will you wait for a friend to come to you after their birth with tears in her eyes because she was coerced, didn’t understand what happened or dealing with depression and needing help? What is going on with our system that our medical staff can’t open their eyes long enough to see that we need better, we deserve better?? What will you do? I’ll be the first one to fess up: I’m not being loud enough for my own tastes. I hang out behind my computer screen while my children are sleeping and write blogs. I connect with amazing women on a daily basis, both professional working women who are devoted to bettering our birthing system and postpartum care & professional moms (because let’s face it, once you’re a stay at home mom, you’re a professional!). And I love what I do! And what I do IS pretty loud, that was the goal from the beginning. For the Birth Trauma community, I hope I am being a loud enough voice. I love getting messages from friends and women I didn’t even know were reading this blog, telling me how far their healing journeys have come since we began this journey with Momma Trauma. Those messages to me are HUGE. It’s major progress for those women, their families and hopefully those around them over time as they begin to reach out. But I’m not being LOUD enough for our birthing community, for me. You see, we’re all linked, it all works together to blossom happy, healthy mommas. This isn’t just about birth trauma. This is about reducing the risk of trauma, surgeries, death; it’s about maximizing the health of our moms & babies by bettering our breastfeeding support and thus our rates as well, supporting our new mothers through the postpartum year emotionally, knowing the signs of PPD and other Perinatal Mood Disorders, increasing access to doula care and prenatal education; it’s about our human right to a natural, normal childbirth which is only augmented when truly medically necessary. How can *I* be loud enough? If you’re asking yourself the same questions, here are some ideas:
Aren’t ready to be a loud advocate? Here are some ideas to silently help our birth crisis:
New "Leading Edge" TV show seeks to shift mainstream view from Supermom to sane, centered parent5/6/2013
(Insert Movie Announcer Voice Here) In a world, where shocking tales of the horrors of pregnancy and parenting abound in the media, one woman stood above the crowd and said: There is a gentler way. (Okay, so there's a lot of us around, but wiggling our ways into the mainstream audience is difficult!) Photo courtesy of BeingMom.tv “It’s [parenting] not about being perfect,” Sarah Ripard said. “It’s about striving and fine-tuning parenting choices that honor me (you) and definitely our children.” While some of us, like me!, are plugging away behind our computer screens, Ripard works tirelessly to create and host a new mainstream TV series called “BEING MOM with Sarah Ripard” to take these hard to find topics from facebook and get them onto mainstream television screens across the nation. According to the Website, “Each episode will present practical information, introduce its audience to innovative products and services while offering insights and global perspectives on parenting today.” To make her self-produced vision a reality, “Being Mom with Sarah Ripard” needs financial assistance and thus has started a fundraising campaign on IndieGoGo to raise at least $20,000. Ripard has the entertainment experience and contacts behind her, but needs this fundraiser so the show can reach mainstream airwaves without important information and dialogues being replaced with more “shocking” or unrealistic clips. The main problem with today’s media, she told me in a recent phone conversation, is that “very few shows get to own their own material, Oprah Winfrey being one of them.” Ripard’s goal is to *not* be bought out by anyone, and instead be able to control her own content and information which can enlighten and appeal to all ages from pre-conception to grandparenting within her transformative audience. Ripard’s IndieGoGo campaign has eight contribution levels, complete with perks ranging from a Thank You listing on both the Website and Facebook pages (think: a great way to promote your business for my business minded friends!) to a full VIP package with an invitation to be on the set of Being Mom for one day, personalized/signed copies of books & videos and of course much more! According to the IndieGoGo page, “Being Mom” already has a USA national network willing to air the talk show once they can produce and deliver its needed 26 episodes. “There has been an enormous amount of demand from parents, organizations, media and individuals for BEING MOM to air because of its meaningful, evolutionary and creative content.” You could be a part in getting this show up and running in our mainstream airwaves to help shift the mainstream view of parenting from Supermom to Sane and Centered mom. Visit the IndieGoGo site today, no donation is too small! |
AuthorWelcome to Momma Trauma's Blog! Thoughts, empowering posts and stories straight from Momma Trauma herself, Birth Trauma families & birth professionals. Archives
July 2015
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