Let's talk about I-Statements. If you've ever taken a Conflict Resolution class or trained to be a manager of sorts, you may have heard of I-Statements. Why do we use them? I find them annoying to be honest, mainly because I want to tell someone exactly what I think of them in as many words as possible. (Have you figured that out yet about me?) We talked yesterday about Decluttering our birth experience and writing it down to get it out of our heads and how important that process can be to healing. It's also important to understand that your personal story write-up shouldn't be sent in as an official complaint should you choose to go through the complaint process. Whomever you decide to complain to, whether it be the doctor/midwife involved, hospital, licensing board, etc., these people are all professionals. And while there may be a few professionals who frequent the blogging scene, they generally don't view blogs & personal journals as seriously as they would something that is written objectively with a much more serious tone. So, while you can certainly send your emotional birth story write-up if you wish, I wouldn't recommend doing that if you wish to be heard and taken seriously. Imagine these two statements sent to the same doctor: Momma One: I hate you for everything you did to me during the birth of our son. You are deplorable, you made me mad. You are inconsiderate & only worried about the speed of labor for your own benefit instead of the health of my baby & I. You made me make the decision YOU wanted me to make because, well, YOU are the expert of course and I am just the mother. You don't really care about us, do you? I hope you can understand when I tell you the second statement will generally be listened to more than the first. The first statement is filled with anger, sadness, emotions. While the second contains minimal emotions. An I-Statement isn't void of emotions, but too much emotion tends to create a different understanding of the statement. The second example is also much clearer to the reader than the first example. It contains no sarcasm, no blaming or judging and ultimately will get a better and a much more polite response.
Whether you're sitting face-to-face with someone discussing your experience or writing it down to send as a hard copy, I-Statements will almost always be perceived better. Keep in mind, I-Statements are conversation starters. They are designed to be clearer to get your point across, but they will not create a solution to the problem. This is just the beginning of the process. So how do you create an I-Statement? 1. Emotion: What is the emotion or emotions you are trying to convey? (I feel/I felt...) 2. Behavior: What is the behavior which caused the emotion you are trying to convey? (When you/When I...) 3. Why: Why does this behavior(s) cause you to have the emotion you are trying to convey? (Because...) What is your I-Statement? Do you have several? Please send your I-Statement to Momma Trauma to get our voices heard. You can remain anonymous or send as much information as you'd like to be included. Momma Trauma will transform I-Statements into images like the ones you see on this page. We can be powerful in numbers. I know you've seen plenty of images floating around Facebook with birth stories on them. I feel strongly (<---see that I-Statement? Ironic maybe?) that we will be able to make serious change if we go about this the right way and really get our voices heard, because we need to succeed in our fight for our daughters! So... send them in! E-mail, Facebook or Twitter! Momma Trauma also has a YouTube channel if you would like to record your I-Statement! Also still accepting submissions for Word Clouds! Check it out here.
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It's the day after Christmas in our house and it looks like Toys-R-Us blew up in our living room thanks to the grandparents. So this morning, I went on a decluttering spree and bought a new storage bin to help organize our new toy selection. In thinking of a blog post for you all, I thought "decluttering" might be a perfect topic since sometimes our thoughts get so jumbled when trying to figure out what is going on with us after the birth of a baby. The idea behind this exercise is to isolate thoughts, facts & experiences for a better understanding on your part. Even after the "perfect" birth experience (in quotes because the idea of "perfect" is different for everyone!), it's a good idea to think through your experience. This is especially important for those of us who may be dealing with ptsd, depression and other related issues stemming from our birth experiences. I would like to encourage you all to write down the answers to these questions. You can choose to do what you wish after it's written of course. Throw it away! Let someone else read it to better understand. Share it with us here on the blog (I'm always looking for guest posts! Anonymous welcomed!). This is your copy of your story to keep (or throw away!). Even if you throw it away, it helps to have written it down for a time. I would not recommend sending your write-up to professionals: your medical team, licensing boards, or anyone else you'd like a formal complaint to be sent to as this is not meant as a formal write up. We'll get into formal complaints later. If you're interested in that in the mean-time, check out this page on our site. NOTE: This exercise is not meant to make anyone relive their birth trauma, but to further the healing process when one is ready. Questions to ponder: Let's start with: The doctor came to see me after having given birth to tell me my pelvis was too small and any subsequent children we had would have to be through c-section only. Right then, I knew something wasn't right. After the births of our children, I wracked my mind trying to figure out what exactly went wrong. I was not as educated as I should have been when we gave birth to our first born. I had taken a very small, 2 hour childbirth class beforehand that was very medical-based and taught by nursing students who, frankly, were only trying to get a passing grade. I honestly thought that would be enough!
My water broke with our son right as we were going to bed (of course, right?). So we did the "normal" thing and packed up the bags and headed straight to the hospital at the request of the doctor. Well, my contractions were still only 10 minutes apart or so. Within a few hours, I was given pitocin in an IV to "speed things up a bit." I was the "typical" patient I can imagine. Stayed in bed laying down, fetal monitors, pitocin, more pitocin, iv pain medications, the whole nine yards. I wasn't aware of the risks/benefits of pitocin, they just came in and announced they were administering the drug. After hours of labor, the doctor came back in and said "When would you like your epidural?" I had already figured I would get one because that's how everyone gets through labor, right? But I hadn't told him that yet. So I was a little put off by the assumption. But we told him I wanted it N.O.W. Contractions were about 3 minutes apart by that point. It took the anesthesiologist two more hours to get to my room. He had to take a pitstop in the hallway though with my mother in law who gave him an earful for taking so darn long! So he finally arrives. I'm on the verge of transitioning at this point with pitocin and no pain meds because mine had run out. The doctor had also put a "concoction" of anxiety meds in my iv that I didn't even know about until months later! So I thought my body was going to split into two now. I couldn't sit still with the pain. The anesthesiologist asks: "Would you still like an epidural?" If looks could kill! I said "Are you kidding me?" Thinking, okay, this guy wants to shove a needle in my spine when I CAN'T SIT STILL??? No way. I'm going to have to deal rather than become disabled because I can't stay still. (That might have been a bit strong, but definitely what I was thinking. I was mad!) So he asks a few more times, I couldn't hold a conversation (as happens in transition) and he finally left when my husband told him I didn't want the drug. Our son arrived very shortly after (so the epidural wouldn't have made a difference anyways) with shoulder dystocia, which is a fancy term for "stuck" at the shoulders. My baby got stuck and couldn't come out. Which freaked me out and the doctors went straight to the important work of "unsticking" my child, by apparently breaking his collarbone to remove him instead of flipping me over to all fours which has a very, very good record of "unsticking" children from the birth canal. He came out and they whisked him away to get checked. He had a broken collarbone. I was totally crushed. I had broken my baby. If you've read about the birth of our second child, you know I cope with sadness with humor. So, the going joke was that I broke my baby. The doctor came to see me after having given birth to tell me my pelvis was too small and any subsequent children we had would have to be through c-section only. Right then, I knew something wasn't right. I'm not a small woman. Not huge, but not a skinny minney. I have birthing hips! (After researching in great lengths, I have discovered "small pelvises" are a myth for most, if not close to all, women.) So I started doing some research. I couldn't believe the information I found (and of course wished I knew before childbirth). I was so mad at myself because I discovered our son's dystocia was likely medically induced and could have been prevented with a natural labor process (this was later verified by the doctor during the birth of our daughter). Medically induced. Which meant that I had say over my son having a dystocia and broken bone. I did that to him. Oh I was so mad with myself. And sad. I really had broken my son. I had some serious Baby Blues, possibly even depression over this. In my healing over all that, I became just as mad with the medical staff. I felt like they should have told me the risks of pitocin and everything else that went on. I felt like they failed my son & I because they did not give me all the information I needed. Then again, I didn't ask! I didn't know I had to. And I was REALLY mad about his broken collarbone. That could have been avoided by switching positions during labor. Moving into the all fours position rotates the pelvis (usually) just enough to dislodge the baby enough to come out. Did you know doctors are now trained on breaking bones to get babies out instead of being trained on those extra maneuvers to help us do things naturally? Not to mention the extra drugs and laboring on my back didn't help. Medically induced. I guess I write all that now to say: A. Be your own advocate! Always ask! B. Don't feel bad for questioning yourself afterwards, it happens. It's a part of healing. I *still* ask myself questions and try to figure things out. C. We need to accept the part we played in our births. We need to "own" our decisions. Was coercion used in the birth of our son? Absolutely. Could I have made better decisions for he & I? Yes. It's hard to accept our bad decisions. But, it's a necessary part of healing. I do feel my doctors were in the wrong for the coercion and random bone breaking that was totally unnecessary. But I could have said no to the pitocin ans which started it all. Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Feel free to comment below, on our Facebook, Twitter or e-mail confidential responses! Here's some history for you: The United Nation's General Assembly adopted the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR) on this day in 1948 which was drafted by a committee chaired by the lovely Eleanor Roosevelt, widow of American President Franklin D. Roosevelt. Happy Human Rights Day! *insert eyeroll* I have seen countless images on Facebook today with the words "Happy Human Rights Day!" Okay, sure we've come a LONG, long way in the realm of human rights. But we have so much more work to complete before it can remotely be called a happy day. For example, did you know the sex trafficking trade is alive, well and vibrant? It is. Did you know some couples still cannot marry simply because of who they love? At least they can profess their love in a civil union, right? (I'm glaring at you if you agree with that statement) Did you know some women are not legally allowed to abort a child while others are forced to do so? Did you know women's rights are violated during childbirth across the globe every day? It's true! Okay, I'm probably preaching to the choir on that one if you're reading this blog. Article 5 states: “No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.” (View the full text of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights here.) Why then is it okay for a medical professional to hold a birthing mother down to ensure she complies with their demands? Is that not cruel, inhuman or degrading? I think Mrs. Roosevelt would look down on acts of perinatal violence with shame and great dissatisfaction. I would hope that she would help us raise a fuss. Violence against women goes directly against the human rights laws we should all be able to hold as standard according to the United Nation. Why then is it okay for one sector of people to get away with "cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment?"
Happy Human Rights Day indeed! Mrs. Roosevelt, I imagine, would not be happy at all with how the world has progressed in terms of human rights. In many ways, it seems as if we have gone backwards instead. This is off topic for our blog, but very close to my heart today. Most, if not all, of us have been affected by cancer. Recently, a friend's father passed away from cancer. I have a friend who is currently in treatment for cancer and another dear family friend who is so close to my heart, Marty. He and his wife are just so amazing. They are fantastic parents, grandparents and the love they have for each other is easily seen at any given hour. The two of them have watched me grow up and now my children as well. It's a joy every Sunday to be able to hug them both at church, those hugs are so special to me. I got bear hugs from them today that I will always keep close to my heart. On the way home, a song came to mind with the lyrics: "You are my strength when I am weak, You are the treasure that I seek, You are my All in All." It made me think that seeing Marty & Sharon gives me strengths to live out my own life. It gives me strength to know that God is there with me no matter what I go through. And their hugs every Sunday morning are treasures to me. Marty always tells me that I'm beautiful and that he loves to hear me sing. So I wanted to record this for he & Sharon to enjoy and listen to with me. I hope you can find a little solace in the words, even if you're not religious. Music helps me heal. So, you've experienced a situation in your child's birth or watched it occur to someone else. What will you do with that negative stuff filling a random spot in your head space that was previously just as full with positive thoughts? That's a pretty big question when you take a breather and think about it. And no two answers will be alike, nor are they wrong! What will you do with your birth trauma? No one can answer that but you.
No one wants ptsd, ppd or other related issues from birth trauma to consume them or take over even the smallest part of the life, it's just not fun for you or anyone around you. So what will you do with it? Will you... * conquer your thoughts to move on for yourself and your family? * Will you share your birth story or story of healing so others can see that this is an ongoing and real problem? * Will you offer a shoulder and ear to another mother, family or professional? * Will you empower yourself to be a stronger woman? * Will you help prevent birth traumas by educating soon-to-be-parents with unbiased information so they can make their own informed decisions? * Will you educate medical professionals so they can see with a clearer mind their impact on the birthing mother, family and other professionals? * Will you take your birth trauma and stomp on it til it's squished and beaten down instead of your birth trauma doing that to you? * Will you bury it inside and try to never think about it again? * Will you let it eat you up and consume you inside and out until you just can't take it anymore? Taking your birth trauma and educating others, preventing trauma, finding an outlet for recourse, these things are all BIG ways to help you heal and of course help others in the process. But, those are big things. Conquering your birth trauma for yourself and your family is HUGE. It's a monumental step for a mother with birth trauma to come out of it saying "You know what, it happened to me, and I don't accept it, and I'm not going to let it control me." That's just huge. And I want to emphasize that by taking that step, that doesn't mean you won't cry about it anymore, or if you do cry about it you've gone backwards in healing. Sometimes, we just need to let ourselves cry and be sad for a moment, angry, upset, whatever the emotion may be. Sometimes I get so damn mad at what happened to me that I have to cry, let out a scream and/or use one of several "trauma outlets" like writing to get it out of my system. It makes me so mad!!! And that's okay. So, what will you do with your birth trauma? What is best for you and your family? Remember, there is no "little" step in healing. You are a strong momma (partner, child, professional, etc.) to be dealing with this in the first place! There is no "little" part to birth trauma. Who do I think I am trying to make big changes around here?
This question has been bugging me lately. What qualifies us to speak out, to have people listen to us? Sure, if we got a nationally known doctor, midwife or other equally as qualified speaker/author on board, folks would turn heads. But how can I, just a mom, make heads turn and get noticed enough to make changes? That's going to take a lot of us, numbers will be paramount in our fight to a better birthing environment and truly finding an end to perinatal violence. Are you "just a mom?" Probably not. I don't think there's any way possible for a woman to be "just a mom." We are nurturers, tear blotters, wound healers and soul warmers. We are experts in the fields of learning, sharing, teething, rocking and soothing. We ARE management, top of the line human resources, event coordinators, foreign language interpreters and counselors. With a skil-set like that, you better sit down and listen up because "If momma aint happy, aint nobody happy!" "We are calling for all Canadians to submit their stories. We have a arranged a group of Ottawa lawyers willing to volunteer to commission legal affidavits of the violations in your birth experience. Once we compile enough legal affidavits these will be brought forward to force a public inquiry of the systemic abuses to women in childbirth." The excerpt is from a recent post from Dr. Nancy, Your Birth Coach. Dr. Nancy is a fabulous woman, mother, childbirth educator, birth coach, family chiropractor and probably much more. If you are from Canada, send in your stories to help make some serious changes in your area! Dr. Nancy put up an awesome video on our facebook page, I hope you'll check it out. It's moving and I know for me at least, a few of the statements in the video speak right to me. It's powerful and quite motivational. I needed to see it today! |
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July 2015
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