"I know acceptance can be a very long process, but for now, I don't even WANT to accept what happened. It would feel like letting myself down, like a lack of respect against myself. Anyone feels the same way?" ~ A Momma fan on our page.
What is "acceptance" when it comes to birth trauma? Is it accepting what has happened to you, your partner or the baby? Is it accepting the actions of the medical or birth professional(s)? Is it accepting what could have been but wasn't? Is it accepting your own actions that may have made matters better or worse? Acceptance can obviously mean a lot of things to different people. Personally, acceptance meant a realization that our birth trauma really did occur and it wasn't just a funny joke. It actually happened, and it wasn't cool. I didn't accept my birth trauma situation right away, that my doctor, a professional, could be so disrespectful. How could I let him do what he did to me? My way of dealing with it at first was to laugh it off. "That silly doctor, what was he thinking?" It was my way of comforting myself I think, so I wouldn't think about the birth in a negative light. I did not want to believe that what I call my birth rape happened to me. No, that's not what it was. That couldn't have been what it was. But yes, that's really what it was. I didn't want to think of it as a poor birth since I had tried so hard to make sure I had the birth we (my daughter and I) needed. I researched about natural childbirth, had my doula, was studying to become a doula even, I had my birth bag packed to the brim, birth plan finished and copied, you name it, I was prepared! I wasn't prepared, though, for the doctor to be disrespectful and not listen to me when I firmly said NO. (Check the link to the story to read my birth story if you haven't seen it yet, don't jump to conclusions) It took me a good few months to accept the fact that "it actually happened, and it wasn't cool." That's literally the process that went through my mind one day, it just clicked. This is when I realized why I had crying spells, triggers, sexual problems, not wanting to be touched, I had no idea until I finally accepted what happened during the birth of Chickie Pea. Some people say, how in the world did it take that long? You couldn't possibly have been traumatized from your birth if it took you that long to realize it. I have no response to that, no concrete evidence to pull from a medical study. All I can say is that's how it happened with me, ask my therapist! Accepting my birth trauma & subsequent PTSD made things worse to begin with, but it evened out. It gave me strength to start the complaint process and eventually create this blog & community. Eventually, I got to a point where I was able to accept what had happened to me and move on to own what happened to me. At least the parts I could control, such as doing something to help make it not happen again. I'm only one woman, so I may not be able to make a far reach. But if I can help just one woman? I'll feel like I've done my part. I feel like saying, "You know what? It happened to me! And I'm going to take charge and do something about this awful thing!" There are other things I have accepted. I have accepted that it happened to me. I have accepted that physically, Chickie Pea and I were totally healthy & fine after childbirth. I have accepted that I struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a direct result of what occurred during labor. I have accepted that it greatly hurt my husband, too, and I have to be aware of his feelings about the whole scenario. I have accepted that I cannot take on doula clients at that hospital until I conquer my ptsd issues and can again be around the doctor who violated me two years ago. I have not accepted that this is what normal birth should look like. I have NOT accepted that what I went through or what other women have gone through related to their birth trauma is part of normal, healthy birth. Some things just are NOT okay! Birth trauma is becoming far more prevalent these days and that is NOT okay! What does acceptance look like for your situation? Post your comments below or on our Facebook page!
1 Comment
10/16/2013 09:40:59 am
Loved your blog layout that I created a weebly account too.
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AuthorWelcome to Momma Trauma's Blog! Thoughts, empowering posts and stories straight from Momma Trauma herself, Birth Trauma families & birth professionals. Archives
July 2015
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