Can they ever understand birth trauma? The moms in your playgroup? The nurse at your 6-week follow-up appointment? What about your partner, or your own parents?
They may not ever understand even the very idea of birth trauma, let alone our individual traumas. But, they may surprise you. It’s up to you to give them a chance to understand, or not. It’s a difficult step in the healing process: First, realizing you are dealing with something more than baby blues and Second, that you need the support of your closest loved ones, friends and/or trained counselors, which, of course, involves telling people what’s going on in your mind. Do I have to tell them? I’m not crazy. Do I really need support? Of course you don’t have to tell anyone. But it’s no picnic being stuck in our minds all alone. It gets lonely in there! Let’s be real, though. Birth Trauma, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, these all come with some pretty serious symptoms. Of all the birth trauma survivors I have met, the ones who haven’t told anyone yet (but me) hurt the most. And I’m usually light years away (exaggerating, but you get the point). They had no shoulder to lean on, no loving ear to whisper into, no one who could relieve them for a 15 minute refresher break during/after a panic attack or triggering episode. We don’t need special treatment as birth trauma survivors; what we need is a great support system, just like any other mom. A little story for you: I directed a summer camp in Minnesota one summer (best summer of my life!). In one of our counselor training sessions before camp began, we encountered different scenarios through discussion and roleplay to prepare them for the challenge of leading girls of all ages in a resident situation. One scenario caught me off guard.: “What do you do when you need to come out? Who do you tell?” Well. My first reaction was: Your parents or a guidance counselor (thinking teenage kids here), friends. I was somewhat naïve, but had many LGBT friends including myself, so I was somewhat experienced I thought when the question came up:. My thought was: The people who love you the most will be the most sympathetic and able to talk through things with them, knowing that sometimes it doesn’t play out that easily in many situations. To my surprise, I got a big fat: HELL NO from the crowd of 30some young adults. They were quite offended that I would suggest speaking to your parents about your sexuality. Which, still confuses me to be honest. I mean, I get it. When you’re a teen, parents suck and they think everything is a phase. But it’s such an individualized decision, you know? We, as counselors for teenagers, were there to be support rather than be the authoritative decision makers. My point to them was we should help our campers go through the full decision making process with all the needed information so THEY could make the decisions on who to let into their own lives. Instead of telling a camper: No! Whatever you do, DON’T TELL YOUR PARENTS! They’ll never understand. O.o They (whoever you decide to tell) don’t have to get it! They don’t have to understand why you like someone of the same sex. They just have to understand that this might be a hard road for you and you’re going to need support. This same scenario could play out for: I have a boyfriend! I’m becoming sexually active. Oh Crap, My period started! Which brings me back full circle to Birth Trauma. Do I have to tell? Who do I tell? Will they ever understand? Again, no, you don’t have to tell anyone. But I would highly recommend doing so. Who you tell is an individualized decision. For example, in my case, my mom is very Pro-anything a doctor says. So, naturally, I didn’t want to tell her about my birth trauma first. My father, on the other hand, didn’t really get it at first, but was at least sympathetic to the idea that I was truly traumatized by the birth. He didn’t “get” it, but he could take it at face value and help when needed. I don’t believe that the select few we let into that part of our lives *need* to understand the birth trauma itself. It’s really important for those closest to us to be sympathetic to the face value of our feelings whether they be short term as in having a rough day or longer term as in depression or anxiety (although I know they go way deeper than just face value!) and how it affects our lives, our children, our partners, etc. In your healing journey, you will come across other survivors (as you have through this blog) who are Empathetic to your situation. Keeping in mind that every situation is different, those of us who have lived birth trauma and are empathetic to it have been there or can at least put ourselves in your shoes to truly understand the depths of your pain. Most of us have experienced birth trauma of some degree; we know exactly how deep those wounds hurt. That said, I venture to believe that some who have not experienced birth trauma can still understand our wounds. You could find true empathy through a birth worker, a counselor, a friend, anyone really. Those who have not gone through birth trauma but are empathetic to us will understand that the violence we encountered was NOT okay and surely could have been at the root of our trauma, or that the way our babies came out was not natural and something that wasn’t supposed to happen, DID happen. There are others, still, who have gone through birth trauma situations and refuse to be empathetic. Maybe their own pain has shut them down, or they refuse to acknowledge the truth of perinatal violence and/or birth trauma. It is honestly one of the things that bother me the most, when birth trauma survivors belittle or harm other survivors. *pet peeve* The bottom line is that your healing is individualized to your needs. You know your peers, family and professionals better than any blogger can suggest. Who should you talk to about your traumas? I can’t tell you that, but I can say that I fully believe you should talk to someone besides just moms on the other side of your computer screen. I mean, we’re great and all, but you need and deserve more than just us. You don’t have to face this alone. When you’re ready, you’ll find the words to say and the person(s) to tell. “In-Person” support goes a long way. Just remember: They don’t have to be empathetic to be sympathetic to your hurts and needs. They don’t have to have experienced it themselves to know that what you went through was not right, and that now you are dealing with a healing journey you never expected. Who surprised you in understanding your journey? Who left you yearning for more?
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AuthorWelcome to Momma Trauma's Blog! Thoughts, empowering posts and stories straight from Momma Trauma herself, Birth Trauma families & birth professionals. Archives
July 2015
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