Our sleeping angels. Photos copyright Momma Trauma Blog
Kids, Mommy loves you. I just don’t think I can tell you just how much mommy loves you. You are my world. Everything I do now, I do with you in mind. I have always loved you since before we knew about you. Growing up, when someone would ask me what I wanted to be, I’d say a Mommy! A teacher, a preacher, a singer, a writer. And I get to be all of those things with you, for you. It’s funny how God works that way, putting all of your desires and talents in one basket, for one purpose. Zombie Prep Dad and our bouncing baby boy. Do not reuse. To our Big Boy: I felt like I failed you right from the beginning. I didn’t “know” to do my research and take a GOOD childbirth class. I followed the doctors blindly and after drugs and laboring in bed, you got stuck. A medically induced shoulder dystocia, for which the doctor broke your collarbone to get you out. I didn’t know any better, but I should have. I shouldn’t have been so naïve. I felt like I broke you. *I* was the one with the small pelvis. When really, I’ve got birthing hips! There was no “Small” about it, a lie. You didn’t have to have a broken collarbone that will probably pain you for the rest of your life. That’s my fault, little one. I will carry that burden for the rest of my life. Not only that, but when you were whisked away to the NICU for jaundice, I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I had *really* broken you then, but you were fine. You were a superhero from the start. I stayed with you as much as I could to love on you with words, hugs and breastmilk while you slept and healed your jaundice. I loved getting to know you as a wee one, nursing and babywearing you were my new favorite past-times! I learned from our experience. Now you're a mess. And I love it. Just today you stood at the other end of the room, yelled out MOMMYYYYYY and ran at my full force saying "Attack Superpower Hugs & Kiss!" So you know what I did? I caught you and smothered you with kisses until you squirmed away. Mommy & Chickie-Pea. Do not reuse. Chickie-Pea: Girl, you and me, we're a pair. I’m not ready to tell you our birth story yet, you wouldn’t understand it anyway. Well, neither does your brother I guess, but one day I’ll tell you. When you’re ready. You and I have a bit of a different experience. You were born healthy, whole, nothing “broken.” In fact, we were in and out of the hospital in 12 hours, after which we took you to the mall to buy new pillows for mommy and daddy, do you remember that? I didn’t think so, bet the salesman does though! But through your birth, Mommy became broken. That’s where I failed you. None of our experience was your fault, I want you to know that wholeheartedly. There is no “Because you were born, (this) happened.” No. It’s “Because you were born, I found myself again.” It’s true that after you were born, mommy dealt with depression and PTSD. It is what it is, it just happens to some mommies. The important thing is that it wasn’t your fault at all. Mommy is so glad you came to us when you did. Your daddy and I love you so much. Did you know, at two years old, you can match pitch just like mommy? And you’ll sing with me on Sunday mornings while practicing for church, hands on your hips, shaking your butt. Daddy says you even have better rhythm than mommy, which isn’t saying much. You love pickles and will eat just about anything. Heaven-forbid I order a salad for me, it won't be mine for long! Chickie-Pea, you know when I’m feeling down or just need some extra lovin’s and you’ll wait until your brother falls asleep. Then give it a little whining for mommy to come running just so you can have some extra snuggle-time. I know your deal, chick! I can see right through you, but it’s okay. Because I really do love those extra minutes just the two of us. The birth experience we share, baby girl, has turned my world upside-down and I’m trying to put that to good use. I hope that you and your brother can look back on our early years and say you were proud to be with us, even though it wasn’t great all the time. I really just hope I don’t screw it up. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve allowed things to come between us in the past, and for that I’m sorry. Your daddy and I love you more than anything. There were days when I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I had to and was glad I did because you would put a smile back on my face. There were other days when all I wanted to do was cry, and your crying would only make it worse because I couldn’t fix your crying. But eventually, we’d get it together and realize all we needed to do was nurse, hug and crawl around on the floor to explore. *Score for oxytocin!* (Mommy, what’s oxytocin? I’ll explain later babies, I promise. It’s awesome stuff) I nursed you when I didn’t think I could take anymore, I was touched out or had sore nipples, but it’s what you needed and that drove me to never stop! I let my anxiety and panic attacks affect my mothering to the point where I needed to just walk away from everything for a while, but that’s okay because daddy would be there to play while I regrouped. I’ve yelled when I should have whispered, sobbed when I should have breathed, but also loved you when nothing else in the world mattered because mine was shattered. You kids are two and three now. You say “Please,” “Thankyou” and “You’re Welbum.” I know when you say “I wub you,” you mean it with every breath. You run, scream, jump, play and climb on every surface you know you’re not supposed to explore. It’s like having two Denis the Menaces under one roof. My little monkeys, you eat us out of house and home! And Chickie-Pea, one of these days you’re going to have to learn NOT to bite and chew on mommy while you nurse. OW! By the end of the day, I’m a stinky, run down, tired, listless mommy who poops out at parties (Yes, I pulled out some I Love Lucy on you!) I’d love to get more showers and hire a maid! But when I climb into bed everynight, I can smile because I have the best damn monkeys in the world. It’s true. Every mother says that. And every mother is right. I have tried the best I know how, we have overcome so much. We enjoy each other no matter what goes on in our lives. You guys give the best hugs ever, you pat my head and say “Is’ okay mommy,” when I’m sad. We run, jump, scream, whisper, dance, play monsters and cars, sing, and above all else: Smile and Love. When nothing else is going right, I know I have you kids by my side. Thank you for being the reason Mother’s Day is always awesome, every day is awesome with your smiles and laughter. Mother's Day isn't about birth per say, but so much about our life IS about birth, and how we start out. Thank you for giving myself back to me. Know that you are beautiful, amazing, wonderful, talented little people. I hope we can help you grow just as you need. Love always and forever, Mommy
1 Comment
5/13/2013 05:31:51 am
Hi ! I loved your mama stories. Very beautiful! And you're not broken and they know you love them, and they sound like they are growing up to be wonderful human beings! Shine your light on the world, mama! Warmly, Kathy
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AuthorWelcome to Momma Trauma's Blog! Thoughts, empowering posts and stories straight from Momma Trauma herself, Birth Trauma families & birth professionals. Archives
July 2015
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