My own birth trauma saga has finally taken the next step forward as of last week. Unfortunately, I don't know that it will go any further. But, I digress.
Thanks to support from our community, I can stand tall knowing I stood up to my doctor when no one thinks I should have been able to do so. Not only that, but I tried to report the abuse in every avenue possible. I took it to the police, national organizations, our state attorney general, our hospital board of directors, the doctors' office I attended, and the state medical board of licensure and discipline. Because of our experience, I will never allow myself to become stagnant in the belief that birth is of the woman, and the baby. Not of the medical or midwifery staff, not of the doula, not of a lawmaker. Birth is of the woman, and her baby. Beyond that, others may join in the experience. The dad, or partner, may join in this crazy thing called birth. Other family, the doula, the midwife, the doctors and nurses, the ones with whom we share our stories. To a varied degree, each of these persons may join in the birth experience. But above all, birth is of the woman, and her baby. No one has a right to control that which is so personal besides the person to whom it occurs. Just because we walk into a hospital doesn't mean we waive our rights. Staff cannot just walk into a room and say, "I hereby claim this body in the name of medicine." The state investigator who became a preacher Zombie Prep Dad and I were finally called, after a year or so of waiting, by a state investigator for the medical board of licensure and discipline regarding the formal complaint I filed for the birth of our second child in 2011. (It took me a while to get the kahoonies to file.) Last week, we had the opportunity to sit down with him and another investigator. One was a former cop, and the other formally worked in public health and social services. We told our story, over and over, to them and a tape recorder. We explained that we are not just complaining for what could be a trivial situation. Instead, we went in as educated consumers and my body was violated in ways no person has a right to perpetuate. I explained the situation, why we felt it is a justifiable rights violation and what problems we have encountered since. It took them a while to understand just where we were coming from as we were there for two hours in that little room. Question after question I felt an increasing amount of tears well-up as I knew they were not really on board with "our philosophy" if you will. The former police officer, having looked at files before the meeting of course, gave off the impression that he believed the doctor was in the right to do the vaginal exam, even after I said NO, STOP, because of our previous shoulder dystocia with our first born (which was medically induced and the doctor admitted that during this birth). He also said, contradicting himself, that I was right in that there is informed consent, informed refusal and consent may be taken away by the patient at any given time. Despite agreeing with that, he continued to tell me he didn't think this formal complaint would result in a hearing or anything further because the actions of the doctor were justifiable, according to the former cop. He made it clear that he understood I was basically from a different "culture," speaking of the doula/midwife/natural minded culture rather than the anything-the-doctor-says culture. To drive the point home, he did a little preaching. He said, "You wouldn't go into someone else's church, and tell them how to worship." To tie that in with birth and hospitals: "You wouldn't go into someone else's domain, or their workspace, and tell them how to act or work." Let me be clear here: My body is my domain. My body is my workspace. My body is my home. My body, according to the teachings of my religion that is Christianity, is my church and my temple which I am to respect as such. No man, woman, doctor, midwife, NO ONE has the right to enter MY domain, whether I am physically in your presence or not, NO ONE has the right to enter MY domain and tell me how to act, worship, work or what I MUST allow done to MY personal domain. Yes, I was physically in the hospital when I birthed our daughter, and yes, this is the workspace of the doctors and nurses. But MY BODY is MY workspace and temple. They can do what they wish with their own tools and bodies in the physical space of their offices and hospital, but they have NO claim over my body regardless of where my body is present at any given time. I call bullshit, mr. investigator. The realities of Birth Trauma To wrap up the meeting, the other investigator finally chimed in and asked what exactly was my perception of the actions from the doctor to which I quickly and tearfully chimed in with "Assault. I felt sexually assaulted." She nodded, and said she thought that was the case. Kind of ironic, I thought, that this would be the last recorded statement. As we said our goodbye's, she said something I will probably never forget. She told me this: "Your perception is your reality, and I hope you find intervention for that." I thanked her kindly and left in a hurry (we were late picking up the kids from my parents' house). At first, I thought, How sweet of her to recognize that ultimately our perceptions become our realities. Then the second half dawned on me: I hope you find intervention for that. I thought, How dare her. Obviously, with that short statement, I knew exactly how this would go. Despite my efforts at remaining calm, collected and educated, this will not end in a hearing where I get to finally face the doctor who sexually assaulted me during birth in a somewhat safe environment. They hope I find intervention for my reality which they see as perception gone awry. To some degree, I have found intervention for my perception and reality. My intervention is creating change. I have found this community and a whole host of professionals, even psychologists and similar professionals, who not only understand the abuse that took place, but want to see our birth climate changed so that women can take birth back and own it as they rightfully should. That is my intervention. So, to this investigator I now say in return, "Yes. Your perception is your reality, and I hope you find some intervention for that as well. Because until more people find an intervention for the perception that women lose all bodily integrity and autonomy the moment they walk into an office or hospital or otherwise under the care of a professional, women will continue to be abused and yes, traumatized, during what should be the most precious time of their lives. This is why Birth Trauma is becoming commonplace." I walked into that hospital as an educated consumer, and I walked out as a traumatized new-again mom who was detached, impersonal, depressed to the greatest depths, tearful, fearful, anxiety-prone. If you, investigators, can say that is OKAY for someone to deal with at the hands of a doctor, then YOUR perception, which is your reality, is greatly skewed. And I stand firm in my perception, and therefore my reality, which tells me that MY body is my own. The bodies of the women across our world are their own, and NO one has the right to do what the doctor did to me. I will never give up fighting this fight because of perceptions and "realities" such as that of the investigators with whom we spoke which seem to believe that my body is not my own the moment I walk into the care and guidance of someone else. I own this body, this temple, this home. I have the final say. And that final say was ripped from me. I will never stop fighting.
3 Comments
11/5/2013 08:27:29 pm
Momma, this is your best article, yet. (Of course it is, it is a personal, impassioned account of continued injustice that fuels your work.)
Reply
11/6/2013 12:04:55 pm
It still fuels my rage about my own sexual assault within a childbirth setting when I read about other's experiences. Birth rape is a very real issue that is currently being invalidated that needs to be addressed. It is a subject I write about often as well. Solidarity.
Reply
11/10/2013 03:40:33 am
I teach undergraduate nursing students. My department including me is lucky enough to be composed largely of midwives not obstetric nurses. One of the tools we use for student is reflection is to have the student interview a woman who has given birth recently. The recurrent theme throughout the interviews is things being done to women without their understanding and therefore without real consent. Inductions, IVs, rupture of membranes, episiotomies, epidurals and C/Sections. The list goes on. Sadly, sometimes the providers are midwives. Most of the women feel at best in a fog, at worst violated. Yet almost to a woman, they minimize their feelings by soothing themselves that the providers and nurses were doing what they thought was best for them and that they ended up with a healthy baby. My goal with the students is to raise their collective consciousness regarding the woman's right to own her body and to decide when, if and by whom she is treated. I would welcome ideas on how to carry the message to the women themselves. I know there are some childbirth educators and doulas carrying the message but a significant percentage of the women birthing in the tertiary care center where I work do not have access to these resources. They receive their education from hospital based programs if at all. They seem to be brainwashed that the hospital and the providers saved their baby from some horrible fate (physiologic birth) and that they should be happy even though they have little understanding of what was done to them and their babies.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWelcome to Momma Trauma's Blog! Thoughts, empowering posts and stories straight from Momma Trauma herself, Birth Trauma families & birth professionals. Archives
July 2015
Visit our Sponsors
This space is available for text advertisements. See our Sponsorship page for more information! xxxxx
|