"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." -Martin Luther King, Jr. (Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!) Being supported in your parenting choices, and life after birth trauma especially, is important. We hope that those who are closest to us will be the most supportive and find ourselves upset when that doesn't happen. I have a very supportive husband. He has, over time, conformed to all of my "crunchy" ways, and those few that aren't so "crunchy." He has also been very supportive with helping me heal after my birth trauma. He doesn't like to talk about it, because he doesn't want to think about what he watched happen to his wife. But, he will listen, work with me, back off when he needs to, etc. And he supports me in my activism efforts with this blog, other online groups and locally. To me, that means a whole heck of a lot! I also have close friends which are very supportive in my healing process.
But there's one person I wish I had on my side. My mom. As far as parenting, my dad & grandfather were always very supportive. My dad has said things such as "if my grandchild needs to eat, he'll eat!" when our first born was fussy at the diner and needed to nurse. My grandfather was surprisingly supportive when I told him I would be assertive with my ob office about NOT getting a cesarean delivery with our second daughter. He was proud to say the least! He always makes it a point to tell me how proud of us he is and that we're doing a great job raising our children. My mom has been supportive of most parenting choices we have made for our children, including breastfeeding. But she's "old-school" as she calls it and doesn't think we should nurse in public. She's what I call "A squirm-er." I've been breastfeeding our children for three years now (well, three years as of tomorrow!). And still, to this day, every time I begin to nurse a kid in public: She squirms, looks uncomfortable, she'll say in a panic "Oh Oh God, Do you want a blanket? Oh, Um, Do you think you might be more comfortable in the car?" Then she'll look around the room to see exactly who is watching the spectacle that apparently is nursing in public, but is really her blatantly loud reaction to a natural and (what should be) quiet, to ourselves feeding. At one point, she was hurt by my breastfeeding activism because she was not able to breastfeed me and only breastfed my sister for 3 months (or 3 weeks, the story changes each time). To which I had to explain that activism, to me, is all about educating. She was not given proper support when we were little and didn't have any idea on where to find that support. I hope to be that shouting life-raft of support if someone needs to find support. Even if they just need to know a number to call for a deeper concern, I have lots of those, too! Her reaction to my activism and birth trauma has been much of the same. While I can't hide this blog under a blanket or take it to my car, it certainly makes her uncomfortable and she'd like to see me keep everything under wraps. She's a mom. And afraid I'll be hurt by what someone says or that I'll be blacklisted from any doctor in our area. So, she tells me I shouldn't speak out. And that hurts a little bit, as it always hurt when she reacted that way with breastfeeding in public. Because of that, I feel like I can't tell her what's going on in my "birthy-world" for fear she'll start another lecture on how I need to be careful. I'm a grown woman. I *know* that, with a blog of this nature and the things I hope to accomplish, I'm putting myself at risk of harmful words and possibly recourse from the medical community. I know that. And my husband knows that. I started this blog with his blessing knowing that, and I'm still here because someone needs to stand up for us. I feel like she should be the one person besides my husband who cheerleads for me or even helps me create some major change. But you can't make someone feel differently. You can only offer up the evidence and let them make the decision for themselves. And some people, like my mom, just don't want to listen to the evidence at all. They're stuck in their ways, which is a decision in and of itself. Yes, I realize she loves & cares for me very, very much and would give the world for me & our family. She's really a fantastic woman and I'm glad she's MY mother. I just hope one day she realizes what I'm attempting to do here and that it's not just for me. I hope she realizes that what happened to me was real, it wasn't okay and I'm suffering now because of it. I still cry, and yell, and trigger. But that's all in the healing process. I hope she comes around. Who is the one support you wish you had? Has anyone support you in a way that was more hurtful than helpful?
3 Comments
I am so sorry that your mother doesn't support you in the way you need, Jen. One thought is that perhaps (as regards your birth trauma) she doesn't want to admit to herself that something like that happened to her little girl. And of course the concept of birth trauma is something so many people just don't grasp to begin with. Big big hugs to you, mama!
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1/21/2013 03:29:54 am
I think the concept of birth trauma trips her up a lot. She certainly is sad to hear to think I may have been hurt in some way, but because there was no physical harm, I think that confuses her and she can't wrap her mind around it. Which I understand to a degree. :-P I'm so blessed to have the support system I do have in my "it-getters." Great term! lol!
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1/30/2013 01:11:36 am
For me it was my mom as well. When my mom came to visit us way over here, I was a mess with PPD and troubles getting breastfeeding going. Instead of helping me reach my own goal, she encouraged me to sleep and let her give my son formula at night. I was tired and she REALLY MEANT well - she just didn't know any better - and she wanted time with my son.
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