Step 1: Keep the toddler quiet! This is an important step because the worst thing you could have is a noisy toddler broadcasting where you are to every hungry Zombie in the nearby area. Unless your goal is to pick off the Zombies, then by all means! Let the toddler scream! The trick to keeping the toddler quiet is finding something that is also quiet that will keep the toddler’s attention. I recommend books. Lots and lots of books. Preferably those with pictures. Step 2: Breastfeeding! This is probably the safest option because it can be done On.The.Move. There’s nothing more dangerous than having to stop every few hours to prep the bottle for the child when trying to evade the Zombies. Every precious minute you have should be spend moving. Not to mention having to stop at a store to pick up formula and fresh water create problems simply for the fact that Zombies are everywhere and you don’t want to risk the chance of a potentially deadly encounter with a Zombie while attempting to find food for your child. In the event that your child is bitten by a Zombie and you are breastfeeding that child…. It’s probably in your best interest to stop right then in there. Although breastmilk is considered a Cure-All, it’s not much of a cure if you have a new, tiny Zombie literally trying to eat you. Like take a chunk out of your boob… eat you. Step 3: Babywearing! For one, it keeps your child close to you so you don’t have to worry about chasing them. And two, it doubles your eyes and ears. Now you have a child that will point every out to you, including Zombies getting close which will want to eat you. All in all, this is a good thing. And it will more than likely keep them calm and happy (see Step 1!). Step 4: Know your environment! Deserts, swamps and mountains are Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! All three present their own particular problems. For example, no fresh water, no water at all, lots of holes for small feet to get stuck in (see Step 2 on how to avoid small feet problems)… These places should be avoided with toddlers at all costs; traveling these areas would be rather impossible with toddlers. Forests, fields and plains are best! Plenty of shelter, fresh water and food. These places should be best for traveling and surviving. And who knows! Your tiny human may discover a spot for you to hide out for a day or two, or potentially long-term. And who can ignore the fact that every toddler likes to pee on every tree. Which keeps said toddler happy, and quiet (Again, see Step 1!). Step 5: Eat the noisy one first! If you must eat someone in your group due to lack of food…. Eat the noisy one first for safety’s sake! Momma's note: This includes husbands. We all know sometimes they can be annoyingly noisy, especially if sick! Step 6: Find a safe place to set up shop. Find a place that has very tall walls, and lots of space for your toddler to RUN. The tall walls will keep the Zombies from getting IN and the toddler from getting OUT. Definitely not a bad thing. This way you can relax while listening to the soothing sounds of Zombie moans while watching your child running around like a maniac taunting the Zombies. If you’re lucky, your toddler’s screams and, well, moans will sounds exactly like that of the Zombies, which will then confuse the Zombies beyond all measure. Step 7: Train your Toddler! Teach your toddler everything, odds are your toddler will out-survive you… and the Zombies. And remember! Your toddler will not be a toddler forever. You just have to hang in there for a few years. Congratulations! By following these steps, your toddlers’ chances of survival during the impending doom that will be the Zombie Apocalypse have increased exponentially. Are you prepared yet?
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AuthorWelcome to Momma Trauma's Blog! Thoughts, empowering posts and stories straight from Momma Trauma herself, Birth Trauma families & birth professionals. Archives
July 2015
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