Note: Catch the conversation! Homebirth Cesarean (HBC) live on Gena Kirby's BlogTalk radio show, Progressive Parenting, on July 9 at 9 p.m. CST. Submitted By Ann Jamison of the Homebirth Cesarean community For many women, birth is something they plan meticulously, from choosing a prenatal vitamin to finding the right doula. For others, birth might not be something dreamt of in detail, but instead conceived of as an experience that will end with the joyful meeting of mother and child. Either way, trauma in birth isn’t something most women anticipate. The Best Laid Plans For the woman who has chosen an out-of-hospital birth, her vision of the transition to motherhood is well outlined. She plans to birth in her home or at a cozy birth center with minimal interventions. She intends to birth under her own power with providers who will respect and support her every step of the way. For many, the idea that the birth might end up miles from home in a cold, sterile operating room is unthinkable. Still, homebirth transfers are a part of the reality of safe homebirth. When a woman and her midwives decide it’s necessary to transfer from home to hospital, that woman may not only end up with a cascade of unwanted interventions, she may require a cesarean birth. In fact, homebirth midwives estimate that as many as half of their labor transports end in cesarean. The birth of my son was one of those statistics- a transport that ended in cesarean. While I pictured roaring myself into motherhood like a proud lioness as I pushed my baby out in a tub of water, it was not to be. After nine months of reading, yoga, chiropractic care, holistic medicine, kale, and positive thinking, my labor never developed a regular pattern. The birthtub in our tiny apartment’s kitchen stood empty. After three days, we made the decision to go to a hospital where I finished my baby’s birth surgically. The unthinkable had happened. I had a healthy baby that I didn’t think I deserved to claim as my own. If I failed at birthing according to what I saw as the “correct” way to bring a baby into the world, how could I possibly pass the test of parenting? I was broken, in body and spirit, and felt groundless, sure that no soul understood my shame. "Was I the only one? Surely I could not be. Homebirth Cesarean (HBC) Nearly a year later, after suffering postpartum depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation, I began to find my legs. I reached out to my local homebirth community, asking for a frank conversation about transfer. Was I the only one? Surely I could not be. Would anyone else share their story? Part of me was angry that no one had reached out to me. The other part of me realized my story had gone unspoken, and so I had not given anyone the chance. Among the responses was an email from a student midwife, asking if I was aware of something called Homebirth Cesarean. She sent a single link and wished me love on my healing journey. This two sentence email changed my life. A year later I had immersed myself in the HBC community and become a volunteer, working as Community Manager. HBC is not only an online and in-person support for homebirth cesarean mothers, it is also an upcoming book about the experience of a homebirth cesarean. Pulling from over 150 interviews with HBC moms and birth professionals around the world, this book shares the stories of mothers in their own words, and offers research-based guidelines to birth professionals for serving women who must transfer for cesarean. The research completed by co-authors Courtney Jarecki and Laurie Perron Mednick reveal much about the interior emotional landscape of the HBC mother. The name, though provocative, speaks volumes about our core mission, which is, in part, to offer sanctuary, support, and tools to heal for homebirth cesarean mothers. Homebirth cesarean mothers report uncannily similar feelings about their birth experiences. When I joined the HBC private Facebook group in 2012, I couldn’t believe how closely the other members’ thoughts reflected my own. Broken dreams, shame, and feelings of failure over not birthing “correctly” were common discussion topics. For many, this sense of shame leads to isolation, with homebirth cesarean mothers quietly dropping out of their local homebirth communities because of the alienation they keenly feel. Ultimately, many of us kept coming back to our feelings of utter powerlessness. We did not expect to step foot in a hospital, let alone have our arms tied down and our babies helped into the world by strangers. For me and many of my HBC sisters, the complete loss of control affected a deep emotional trauma on top of the already clear physical trauma of major surgery. Grieving the Lost Birth In many ways, we HBC mothers are no different than other women traumatized by their births. We hear what other women hear: Be happy your baby is healthy. Stop dwelling on it. I remember a dear friend stopping by my hospital room the day my son was born. I barely knew what to say as I tearfully choked out my birth story. She replied, not unlovingly, “But he’s here, right? And it’s over, right? And that’s the important thing.” She did not mean to imply that I wasn’t important. And yet, I was not the important thing.
But mostly, in those early days, I needed to tell my story to someone who would truly listen, as many times as I needed. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was in mourning for my lost birth. My homebirth was more than a means to get my baby out. It was a dream that I nurtured as carefully and lovingly as I did the baby growing inside me. When it died, I grieved.
Homebirth cesarean mothers do not complete their births the way they planned, worked for, meditated on, and dreamed of. As a result, their births as mothers are left unfinished. As I told my therapist when my son was six months old, “His birth was finished but my birth, into being a mother, that’s been left hanging." By speaking out about homebirth cesarean, I found a community of mothers and learned I was not alone. By working with HBC as a volunteer and talking to hundreds of HBC mothers around the world, I learned that healing was possible. Through loving words, suggestions, and heartfelt tears, my fellow homebirth cesarean mothers have helped me continue my journey into motherhood, midwifing my passage into this new person I have become. Healing Paths Our organization offers solace for homebirth cesarean mothers as well as research-based guidelines and classes for birth professionals to help them better serve mothers who must pass from home to hospital, often one of the longest most alienating journeys of their lives. We also advocate for the mitigation of trauma in the prenatal period by helping providers initiate fearless conversations about the possibility of cesarean with their clients before birth begins. Ultimately, we believe that women can birth with dignity and power anywhere, so long as they are given information and the respect to do so. The journey from home to operating room will never feel ideal for many mothers, but it need not be coupled with a sense of shame, failure, and isolation that prevents far too many mothers from finding wholeness. Are you a Homebirth Cesarean mom? What was the most difficult part of your healing journey (whether HBC or other birth trauma)?
1 Comment
You went through a trial that changed you forever and in the process a small and wonderful person emerged from your body.
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