Expectations. People say our expectations were too high, so *that’s* why we ended up in a birth trauma situation, why some of us now have PTSD after our births. This puzzles me. I’ve been trying to make sense of it for a while now and, well, it doesn’t make sense. Would you tell a rape victim that she (or he!) now has a life of wondering Why Me because she shouldn’t have expected to NOT be raped? Or that she should have expected it because of statistics?
Oh, I get it. That’s different. Right? <-- dripping with sarcasm. Why should we go into pregnancy and labor, natural processes in life, expecting an unnatural ending? Why should I, when I had a “7 lb-er” in my belly, expect that my body all of a sudden can’t function properly and will need assistance in removing that “very large baby?” Obviously, my body can’t handle what it dished out for itself. <-- a lot more sarcasm. (P.S. Totally had that "big baby" naturally...) As women, most of us anyway, we expect to one day become pregnant. Most of us are able to accomplish that the good-ole-fashion, getting’ down and dirty kinda way… The natural way. Of course we know that others need help with infertility, but even in a petri dish, the start of pregnancy itself is natural: Sperm meets egg, Egg says Hey! How YOU doin’? Let’s do this thing! And Egg is fertilized. Well, you know the rest. This is the natural beginning to life. We don’t expect our wombs to sustain life until that sperm-egg fertilization occurs. If we expect life to function properly from the beginning, why should we expect that it will not continue to function properly throughout the pregnancy, birthing and immediate attachment periods? When did we begin to lose faith in the fundamental processes of our bodies and gain more trust in surgeries and medical interventions which have been proven to be LESS safe in healthy, normal pregnancies and labors than a natural, non-interventive birth? PROVEN! Those same surgeries and interventions, which many women and professionals honestly believe are the “normal” way to birth now, are babies themselves compared to the ancient tradition of midwifery care (which promotes the natural methods of childbirth). Interventions and surgeries are extremely important in the rare case of a complication. But as Rebecca Dekker proved in her recent article, we often hear non-evidence based reasons as to why we need an induction or a cesarean delivery (using "big babies" as an all-too-often reason give by doctors). I implore every mom to do her own research, and then *show* that research to her care provider. Birth Trauma , PTSD after birth, a new life sentence, however you want to look at it, is so often tied in with the idea that we shouldn’t have expectations of natural, normal births. We are told we were selfish and only thinking of ourselves, we only wanted the experience of it all. Our expectations were too high, and then we were let down and disappointed. From an angry mom standpoint: You’re damn right I was let down by and disappointed in my care provider. Go ahead and tell me that I should not have expected him to listen to me, to respect me, to allow me to make my own healthcare decisions when I was totally lucid and aware of my surroundings. The office I was with states on their Website that they are dedicated “to putting your care, comfort, and well-being first in a caring, compassionate approach.” Really? Because that didn’t happen. False advertising perhaps? I *expected* that kind of care, because that’s what they advertise and that’s what all healthcare patients should be able to expect. It’s our human right to be treated with dignity and respect, all the while owning our own informed healthcare decisions. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable expectation. Nor is the expectation of the healthiest delivery possible. No. If you think we have PTSD/Birth Trauma because our expectations were too high, you might want to reconsider saying anything other than: “Gosh, I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way. Here’s a tissue. May I make you some brownies?” Birth Trauma can stem from a lot of things: previous abuse, previous birth trauma, perinatal violence, poor prenatal education prior to the birth, it’s different for everyone. We need to stop telling our moms that their expectations were too high and instead, tell our providers they need to offer the compassionate and personal care most of them profess to offer. Evidence-based, respectful, understanding… Why are these qualities too much to expect? What do you say to others when they suggest your trauma was caused by high expectations? Have you said this to another mom?
9 Comments
Jennifer
6/6/2013 02:36:22 pm
The NICU nurse told me it was because I went to 42 weeks and my placenta "had started to die" (which it had not, per the laboratory analysis they required, did without my consent and then billed me for).
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Jennifer
6/6/2013 02:37:32 pm
(Cont'd) Then she clearly states that she "sees it all the time, the more you plan, the more that goes wrong."
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6/6/2013 02:43:49 pm
Wow. What a mess! And what an awful thing to tell you. :-(
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Clare
6/6/2013 05:18:26 pm
I was left with PTSD follwing a long and tiring 16 hours in labour after 9 hours of being only 1 cm dilated the doctors decied to aftricially strengthen my contractions, i was no longer in control of my contractions or my pain after this point i was disappointed as i wanted to be completely natural.. I had no sleep for 72 hours and then was on my own for the first 4 months when my husband went back to work. Thnk you for creating this group to raise awareness of these issues faced... i wish people could find a voice to make people more aware of these issues a lot earlier on. 2 years on i have watched my beautiful son grow and develop into a bright and caring little chap.... it was a tough start but i look at now with a lot of pride xxx Heres to the next edition xx... to be contiuued :)
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Dawn
6/6/2013 11:55:37 pm
My expectations: To be included in the planning, deciding, and doing, of my medical care while delivering a baby.
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6/8/2013 09:10:44 am
Great article! We completely agree, and it's great you are shouting it out. What would we say to women when it is suggested their high expectations caused their trauma? Something like what we wrote on our own blog, here, when a well-known author, Emily Woof, wrote an article sharing that she felt it was her expectations of birth that let her down and led to her trauma. This is a small part of our reply :
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6/8/2013 09:20:09 am
Melissa,
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6/9/2013 11:24:13 pm
"From an angry mom standpoint: You’re damn right I was let down by and disappointed in my care provider. Go ahead and tell me that I should not have expected him to listen to me, to respect me, to allow me to make my own healthcare decisions when I was totally lucid and aware of my surroundings." How many times must we ask for compassionate care? I'm with you. Great post.
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