NOTE: This post is from a momma in our Facebook community. By Eli Leblanc, member of Césarimouski I never made the decision to breastfeed my children. I didn’t need to. Female mammals carry their babies to term in their wombs, they push them out when time comes, they breastfeed. I’m a female mammal and I never questioned those obvious mammal behaviours. The birth of my first daughter was a really traumatic one. I was expecting an empowering natural birth at the birth center; I ended up having a c-section under general anesthesia without my consent. It took hours before I finally met her and even then, I was still stoned. C-section, drugs, mother-child separation, trauma. The conditions were far from ideal to initiate breastfeeding. But I did. And for the first few days I thought we were doing well. By day 5 however, there was still no sign of lactation. She was still losing weight. We had given her water because dehydration was causing fever. I eventually agreed to start supplementing her using a supplementing nursing system (SNS), thinking, or hoping, that it was only temporary. Despite all my efforts to stimulate production (frequent nursing, pumping, medicinal supplements, drugs), I never had sufficient lactation. Mixed feeding was for me a big disappointment. I kept thinking “carry to term – CHECK, push out – FAIL, breastfeed – FAIL. 1 out of 3, well done...”. Of course, I felt like a failure for not being able to breastfeed exclusively. And not because “society” put too much pressure on me. When it comes to pressure and guilt, I am quite self-sufficient, thank you very much! In the end, it turned out not to be a complete disaster however. Thanks to the SNS, I only introduced the bottle when she was 8 months, because I was going back to work and seeing me coming for lunch to nurse her at day care seemed to trouble her more than anything else. I thought that it would be simpler to switch for the bottle at home as well, keeping the breast for comfort. By then, her attachment for the breast was secure enough, the proof being she is now 4 and I am proud to say that I still nurse her everyday! My breastfeeding issues are definitely a part of my trauma, first as a consequence, then as a cause, since I now associate my whole birthing experience including post-natal to my trauma. But I am convinced that breastfeeding saved me from post-partum depression. After what I went through, not being able to breastfeed at all would have been the last blow. “Breastfeeding is much more than feeding”. That obvious but important statement from my midwife and the fact that she got me a SNS were life savers. It is while nursing my baby that I felt the first sparkle of attachment when she was 3 weeks old. It was subtle and timid, but she made a cute little face as she was suckling and I interpreted it as content. For the first time, I felt that I was really her mother, that she was happy to be in MY arms and taking MY breast. When she was 15 months, I got pregnant. I knew a lot of kids were weaning themselves during pregnancy. I was hesitant about tandem nursing at first, thinking that I had not managed to nurse one properly, but I also thought it would be a good way to stimulate my production if needed. So I opted to let her decide what would happen. She nursed throughout my pregnancy. She was used to not having much milk from there anyway. I was really hoping that giving birth this time would ensure a proper lactation. I prepared physically and psychologically for a VBAC, but in vain. My second daughter was also born by c-section. Although that one was not as traumatic (at least I was conscious!), I was still devastated, even more considering that I had by then decided that this child would be the last one. My hopes to repair what was broken by having a good birthing experience were gone. Breastfeeding was my last battle. After 24 hours, and despite all my efforts trying to reassure myself, I was already starting to stress about lactation. An acquaintance (she eventually became one of my best friends!) visited me at the hospital. I was surprised at first. We didn’t know each other well, but we both had difficult birth experiences and shared the same convictions about breastfeeding. We talked a little and when she saw how worried I was about not having a proper lactation, she spontaneously and generously offered to pump some milk for me, just in case I had to supplement my daughter whiles waiting for lactation. I accepted her offer with a lot of gratitude and she manually extracted about 1 oz in my room. I immediately felt better, knowing that if it came to that, at least I wouldn’t have to give junk food to my little one. Indeed, 2 days later, my daughter was showing signs of hypoglycaemia and jaundice and I still had no sign of lactation. Even the few drops of colostrums I was able to extract at the end of my pregnancy were gone. I did not have the energy to fight the medical team, so I accepted to start supplementing using the precious milk in a SNS. I thought I would have to fill 15 forms in 18 copies to have the “right” to give real milk, but they impressed me for once by simply accepting my choice. From that time, my new friend and I agreed that she would give me all the milk she could for the first few weeks and that we would reassess the situation depending on my lactation. When it turned out to be insufficient, again despite all my efforts including having a toddler to stimulate my production several times a day, she decided to boost her production, using medicinal supplements. By the time my daughter was 5 months, she was still providing more than half the supplements I needed. It meant that on some days, my baby was exclusively fed breast milk! She was even following the weight curve of an exclusively breastfed baby! I couldn’t have cared less if I had actually been breastfeeding exclusively, but under the circumstances, it was a small victory. When we saw each other, it was simpler for my friend to nurse my baby directly. Some of my other friends also decided to donate some milk sporadically, or to nurse her directly. This co-breastfeeding experience had a real positive outcome on my moral. Although I still had some problems accepting that I did not produce enough milk, I had the satisfaction of giving the best second choice. My daughters are now 4 and 2, and yes, they both still take the breast. The youngest weaned herself from the SNS when she was 16 months. I still haven’t accepted their birth. As for breastfeeding, it has for me a bitter-sweet, but rather sweeter, taste. Of course it still hurts that I relied on mixed-feeding rather than breastfeeding exclusively. Is it only related to the traumatic birth or do I also have a physiological problem limiting my ability to produce milk, I will never know. But breastfeeding definitely helped me bond with my children. Tandem nursing brought me a rewarding feeling I never thought was possible considering the situation. As for the co-breastfeeding, that was a pure act of generosity, love and support from my friends and as a traumatized momma, I sure needed plenty of that! For another glimpse in Eli's healing story, read When what did not happen hurts even more than what did. Much love to you, Eli, from Momma Trauma! Your story strengthens me, and you always inspire me to think deeper! Have you had permanent struggles relating to your birth trauma?
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AuthorWelcome to Momma Trauma's Blog! Thoughts, empowering posts and stories straight from Momma Trauma herself, Birth Trauma families & birth professionals. Archives
July 2015
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