Many times, mothers and advocates hear the "good experience" argument. Some people must think we are blubbering, ignorant, self-centered women who can't see passed the "good experience." Let me get right to the point: Advocating for natural childbirth and the rights of mothers is not about a good experience. We're talking about the human right of both mother and child to be treated with respect and dignity.
A good experience is a fantastic benefit to natural parenting (yes, I'm biased), but it is not the reason behind our decisions. Every advocate and mother I have ever spoken to in regards to their decision making process has done thorough research to come to their decision, whether it was to birth at home or in the hospital, breastfeed or formula feed, the controversies are endless. And I've heard it all. It's rather amusing after a while.
Here are some things to consider for those on the "Good Experience" side of the argument:
What do you tell others when they suggest your motivation was a "Good Experience?"
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Today, I am dealing with the trigger of knowing I have to go back to a doctor or midwife for a vaginal exam. To many of you, that may seem like no big deal. After feeling so violated by the doctor during the birth of our second child, I just can't wrap my mind around having anyone down there for anything other than, well, yeah. And to be honest, even that I can't handle all the time yet. I struggle with it still from time to time. I'm grateful to have a husband who is understanding and gentle with me when those times come around. It's been 22 months since Chickie Pea's birth. You can read my birth story on The (phenomenal) Guggie Daily blog. (Note: Story may contain triggers)
I've been holding off a trip to the doctor to check on my IUD (tmi, I know) for well over a year now. It's there, and apparently working. But it's causing cramping & bleeding, so it needs to come out. Not a major health concern, but it still means a trip to a medical professional who is skilled in removing that type of birth control. Which means an exam, which is the root cause of my birth trauma & post traumatic stress. Often times, we are reminded to avoid our triggers. Which I've done well at doing. But this is one of those times it just won't be possible. *Trigger* Enter sobbing, thoughts, memories, shaky anxiety, anger, hurt. I wonder how I'll make it through that event. Lying on the table, vulnerable all over again. I don't want to go, but have to. I shouldn't have gotten the IUD in the first place when I started to cry at that initial insertion exam. I will never get an IUD again. I never want another pelvic exam again. My former ob's office gave me the boot once I filed a formal complaint with our state medical licensing board. Which is fine, because I don't want to step into their office again and risk seeing the doctor who violated me. But, that also comes with hoping the one midwife I have spoken to previously on a doula to midwife level is open to new patients. Sad thing is, she probably doesn't even remember me. She's also in an ob office because that's the only way to be a nurse midwife in our state I think, and frankly, she's the only medical person I can even remotely imagine doing any kind of exam on me right now. And even then, I don't want to think about it. I just don't want to do it. I don't want to. *cries* I just want to scream & cry. And cry & scream. But I can't, there's a sleeping toddler on the couch and a second non-sleeping, screamy toddler refusing to nap because he won't keep his diaper on since he's at the nakey stage of potty training. Now he wants a cracker. And I just want to cry. Thank God for a close friend who said she'd go with me for the exam. And for new friends I've met on our facebook page who are being very supportive right now. It sucks knowing other women have been through birth traumas and/or perinatal violence. But it's nice knowing I'm not alone just the same. They have reminded me that healing is not just a destination we seek, but a journey which could take a lifetime. Thank you, Momma Trauma Momma's, for helping comfort me today! “Often it isn’t the initiating trauma that creates seemingly insurmountable pain, but the lack of support after.” There is something to be said for internal healing of oneself. This is the healing you would do on your own, perhaps through writing, painting, meditating, insert other forms of self healing here. And it is possible to heal completely from a trauma situation by yourself. But that is so difficult to achieve and frankly, most of us just don't want to be alone with our own thoughts. It is incredibly important to have support persons behind you. Your birth trauma and/or perinatal violence put you through enough by yourself, these persons in your life will help support you so you can really focus on your healing process. In fact, I can remember one day very clearly when I finally had that Ah-Ha moment, the breakthrough that made me realize my sadness & darkness wasn't normal and there was a very real and valid reason behind it all. If I had a comic book character, she would have been the damsel in distress screaming a tear-filled "Help me, PLEASE" out of a broken window for a 50th floor room. My superheros didn't wear capes, and most of them had babies attached to them just as I did. They all had different superhero skills, for which I was very grateful. The superheros in my life helped bring me from that damsel in distress scene to a place where I felt I could be a good mom again. Most recently, my superheros have helped bring me to empowerment. Without my superheros with their superhero listening skills, I would still be struggling in my healing journey. If you search the vast World Wide Web, you will find that different sites and education sources will say there are different types of listeners. Even then, they will differ on the types and how many types of listeners we can encounter on our healing journey. So I can only speak on experience here. In my healing journey, I came to realize I needed three types of support persons in my life who could perform one or more of these superhero listening moves to help overcome the monster that was birth trauma. Luckily, some people can fill more than one role. Superhero Listening Moves: 1. The Crying Shoulder: We need someone there who will listen with open ears, an open heart and open arms for hugs afterwards. This support person doesn't even need to fully understand or grasp our situations. They only need to listen to us, offer up some tissues and a shoulder. The Crying Shoulder doesn't need to say anything other than: "This really seems to bother you. I'm here for you when you need to get it off your chest." And then does just that. 2. X-Ray Listening: This listener makes it a point to ask questions such as the infamous "How does that make you feel?" and "Why do you think your doctor may have done that particular thing which made you angry?" The Understander needs to be very careful not to overstep his or her listening boundaries as to not judge you or your situation. They also must be careful to not sound accusatory when asking their questions and instead really try to help you think through your situation. There's a big difference between "Why do you think your doctor did (insert action here)" and "Don't you think he was merely following procedure?" 3. The Butt Kicker: Sometimes, we need a buddy. This listener, after having heard your story, will want to help you figure out your next steps for action. They may help you collect your thoughts to write as a birth story or a complaint to the hospital board. They may help you find a therapist who can assist you better or perhaps even support you by your side as you visit your doctor's or attorney's office to try to make some serious changes in your situation. In my opinion, it is important to have people in our lives who fit these roles. They can fit one, or all at the same time. Not everyone is cut out to be The "Butt Kicker" just as not everyone is cut out to be The "Crying Shoulder." We'll get into what a Listener should NOT say in another blog post. Note: This is just my personal experience and opinion. This is not based on fact, as it seemed every where I searched for sources for this blog post differed. Carry on. Our son told me he needed to potty tonight during our routine "Changing of the Diapers" at bedtime and insisted on going on the big people potty. He thinks the toddler potty belongs to his sister, so he won't use it. He tried standing in front of the potty, but he was just a little short and my mommy brain didn't register in enough time to go grab a stool. So, I sat him on the toilet backwards (so he wouldn't fall in). He pee'd! And he was so proud of himself. This was his first, official pee announcement followed with an actual pee.
I gave him a cookie. I could see the lightbulb go off when he saw himself pee in the potty! I know, only a parent's love would find joy in that I'm sure! What does all this have to do with our usual topics of birth trauma & perinatal violence, you ask? Not a thing. But it made me think of our own bodies & birth attendants. Breaking it down: Potty Training Style Step 1: When a woman goes into labor, it is so incredibly important for her to trust her own body. (Like trusting your body when it tells you that you really do need to go to the bathroom.) Step 2: The laboring mom tells someone close to her who will be helping her through labor. Just like our son told me he needed to go to the bathroom because he knew I could help him out. Step 3: A woman needs to be her own advocate. Hopefully prior to labor, she's already chosen where she would like to labor and how. In our potty experience tonight, our son had already decided that not only did he want to use the big people potty, but he wanted to do so standing up.(So he could see how it works! Gotta love boys.) Step 4: A woman needs a partner for her labor. Partner here doesn't have to mean someone who is in a romantic relationship with the birthing mother. A labor partner can be a doula, midwife, friend, mother, husband, wife, doctor, etc. Ultimately, this person should be there for the duration of labor and to "catch" her when she falls. This person should also be an advocate for the birthing mother. A study published in the International Journal of Gynecology & Obstetrics in June of 2010 concluded that "Continuous support provided by midwives during labor may reduce the duration of labor and the number of cesarean deliveries; this model of support should be available to all women." Other studies (recent & older) have concluded that continuous labor support no matter the position of the support person had the same result as this study. In our sons example from his potty experience tonight, I was there to support him (pick him up & sit him on the toilet) when he needed the support. And I remained until it was all said and done as does good labor support. Step 5: After the amazing experience of childbirth, the labor support person is there to congratulate and emphasize what a wonderful feat the birthing mother has just completed. What a joyous moment it is to watch an empowered mother be born. Her whole face lights up with her baby on her chest. There couldn't be a happier person in the world than an empowered mother who just conquered possibly her biggest mountain. Tonight, our almost three year old son had close to that same elation on his face when he realized that HE finally did it. HE pee'd IN the potty. He laughed! And he grinned ear to ear. And I was so blessed to be there and share that moment with him. I was so blessed to be there to congratulate him on his phenomenal feat of peeing in the toilet! Aren't life's little miracles the most beautiful moments? Our birth attendants, no matter their level of education, should allow us to listen to our own bodies. They should be there as SUPPORT, not to control a natural life event. I don't know that I'll ever understand the need to control a situation that is, in most cases, best left to its natural process. You may have heard by now that I've been busy reading through Dr. Marsden Wagner's Born in the USA: How a Broken Maternity System Must be Fixed to put Women and Children First. You, friends, get to be my Book Club. It's a very interesting read. Some of it makes me mad, other parts I already knew being active in the birth community already. I'll be honest, even as a childbirth activist, I'm not sure I care for the tone Wagner takes on while writing this book. I'm in chapter two, and so far he's pretty much spit out fact after fact with an interlacing of personal experiences thrown in the mix. But it's the little nuances and jabs he inserts here and there towards those in the obstetrics field that make me twitch a bit. On to the reason for this blog post! (Note: He has extensive experience in both fields mentioned here) He speaks of Evidence-Based Care and goes into great detail the difference between doctors & scientists. Despite all his opinions on the obstetric world, he brings up excellent points. He describes in the preface to the book that there is a common "misconception... that doctors are also trained in science. This is not true." Do you hear the screechy brakes, too? So wait a minute. You're telling me... "There is a fundamental difference between the practice of medicine and the practice of science. To generate a hypothesis, scientists must believe that they don't know, whereas to have the confidence to make life-and-death decisions, practicing doctors must believe that they do know. Medical doctors receive little or no raining in scientific methodology, either in medical school or as residents in specialty training. For this reason, it can be difficult for practicing obstetricians to understand the basis on which scientists give advice." My first thought was: I told you so. I was reading alone and pointing wildly at the book as if my imaginary reading buddy was trying to debate with me. This is what I've been trying to tell people for years.
My second thought was a little more logical: So now wait a minute. Wouldn't it make sense to train doctors in science? Wouldn't it make sense to train them "properly" so they can provide their patients with evidenced based care? I put "properly" in quotes because I'm neither a doctor, nor a scientist. I'm merely a mother & birth activist with a very strong opinion based on years of my own research & study. I'm not saying a doctor such as a general practitioner or obstetrician should be given a full training on all things scientific, they're in school long enough. But, you would think that medicine & healthcare would be more of a scientific based profession than it is currently. Why isn't evidence-based information laced into the medical curriculum? To me, a non-evidence based care system is kind of like giving random answers to random questions. Whereas with evidence based care, you have just that: evidence to base your answers on so the result can be reliable and trustworthy care. Have you ever felt a doctor had a kind of "Who dare question me?" feel to them? Wagner blames medical training for this phenomenon. He goes on to write how doctors are trained to believe their word is infallible through hierarchies and seclusion within their fields. Doctors can be so sold on the reliability and safety of their own answers, procedures and surgeries that we often meet a lot of resistance when we suggest there is evidence out there to prove otherwise. Not only that, but doctors have subjected themselves to becoming a part of the "tribe" as Wagner describes their peers. Doctors will not speak out against other local doctors for fear of being ostracized from their doctor "community." Others will stop sending patients their way, they will have no back-up, the list is endless. How will this promote a system of checks & balances that can help keep us safe & healthy while in their care? There are so many facets to the doctor "way of life" to consider, according to Wagner. But it all makes twisted sense when you think about how women are usually treated in our (American, at least) maternity system. I know I have met my fair share of obstetricians who were offended when I questioned their suggestions for my pregnancy or even brought them evidence & research stating why I wanted to birth our second child naturally over a cesarean delivery. I've also come across other doctors and professionals who were highly offended that I spoke ill of their comrade, the doctor who violated me during that same birth which I fought so vehemently to keep natural & serene. Have you noticed any of these issues in your own care or treatment? What are your thoughts? |
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July 2015
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